Friday, November 05, 2004

An Article That ISN'T Real...

Tampa, FL-- George Steinbrenner is getting used to long winters. His overpriced ballclub has failed to provide him with what he lives for, a World Championship, for the fourth year running. But this winter, Rich Uncle Money Bags just might be thinking about hibernation, after watching his team blow a seemingly insurmountable lead to the rival Boston Red Sox in the playoffs, and then having to watch from his gold La-Z-Boy as the Sox went on to sweep the Cardinals in the World Series.

Or is this the year George turns over a new leaf?

While witnessing the Red Sox come into the House That Ruth Built , with their flowing manes, cornrows, afros, and facial hair, and defeat his clean-cut players, George got an idea.

"I saw something about [the Red Sox] that I liked. The attitude--it seemed to come from their loose style of play, and, I hated to say it at the time, but from those silly beards as well. They proved that a team can play winning ball, even if they're ratty-looking and unclean."

That's right, folks, George has an eye for what it takes to be a champion, and in 2004, what it took was long hair and beards.

"For 2005, we're changing last year's motto--'World Class'--to the catchier 'Down To Earth'," said Mr. Steinbrenner today. "You thought the Red Sox looked silly, we're going to put the silliest-looking team in baseball history on that field. And we're going to win, damn it."

A mop-topped, unshaven yankee team? You heard right.

"I couldn't believe it at first," says shortstop Derek Jeter, "but I'm excited for it. I just started growing what will be some kick-ass chops."

Gary Sheffield shares Jeter's enthusiasm. "Georgie hits me up on the cell around 2 AM this morning, askin' if I can grow an afro! [Expletive] yeah!, I told him."

What does Hideki Matsui have in mind for the now mandatory "unkempt yankee look"? Through his translator, the Japanese superstar said, "What do you call that haircut with hair just on the middle?" When asked if he was referring to a mohawk, Matsui said, "No, but long in the back..." You heard it here, folks. A mullethawk for Hideki Matsui.

With rumors of a multiple facially-pierced Mike Mussina, a green-haired Jorge Posada, and a pig-tailed A-Rod, the yanks are looking like winners once again. And George is proud of his guys. "The Red Sox showed us what it takes to win. Next year, we won't be outdone."

Will players who don't comply with the new policy be punished?

"Off the team. No questions asked," says the Boss. "Cashman's in my basement working this into everyone's contract as we speak. I'm a little worried about Bernie, but we're replacing him with Beltran, anyway. They'll all fall into line."

Everyone falling into line--sounds like the old George. Maybe he doesn't quite understand this winning thing just yet.

[Any yankee Hitter] Don't Pitch

Today's big rumor is that the yanks are interested in bringing back Tino Martinez next season. I say go ahead. And bring in Beltran, too. You can only have nine bats in the lineup at one time. As long as the guys they bring in can't pitch, I'll be happy. And I wonder if the Sox will look into making Leiber an offer, after what he did to us down the stretch. Apparently the yanks declined his option, but still want him back at a cheaper price.

I also heard a few days ago from Mike Francesa that Varitek wants 5 years, $50 million. But today on, an article about Tek says he'll want 3 to 5 years, and they didn't give a price.

Also, here's a rare article about Sox radio announcer Joe Castiglione.

More Election Stuff

This election was most likely a load of BS. My boy over at Joy Of Sox has a whole bunch of stuff about it today. One other thing I heard is that the polls in Pennsylvania showed Kerry winning 60%-40%, right up to the exit polls on election night. So why did Kerry only win that state by a few percentage points? Because Bush and Co. had it rigged and even in states he lost, they made it closer so that he'd get the popular vote? I don't know, you tell me.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

The New Me

You know how in Pac-Man/Ms. Pac-Man/Junior Pac-Man/Super Pac-Man, you're being chased by ghosts, but when you eat a power pellet, you become instantly invincible, and the ghosts run from you?

Well, living in yankee-land, I feel like the moment the Red Sox won the World Series, I finally ate the power pellet. It's like the B on my hat now emits a special glow that renders yankee fans harmless when it hits their retinas.

I've seen only a handful of people actually wearing yankee clothing since the Series ended, and not one of them, NOT ONE, has made eye contact with me. I feel like a different person all of a sudden. I used to cringe when I'd see a yankee hat coming my way, afraid of the insults I'd soon be hearing. But the tables have turned. Now its like I'm some overlord, and when they see me, their eyes just hit the ground immediately. As I see them approaching, I get all psyched, raise my head high, stick my chest out, and stare right at they stare at my feet. It's quite empowering, heh heh. I just can't wait until that first one tries to say anything to me. That's gonna be fun.

And it's so cool to see other Red Sox fans, and celebrating with them right there in the pasta aisle at Stop & Shop. Red Sox fans rule. I even ran into the same person twice while buying Red Sox T-shirts a week apart, in two different stores that are miles away from each other. (I told this person about this blog; I'm wondering if they were scared away by my incessant ramblings about Rich Gedman and communism--oh, right, I hadn't actually gotten to communism yet. Ignore that.) I'm just so happy for everyone that has supported this team for so long, and can now say their team is the World Champion.

Hey, did you know that the Citgo sign is being repaired? I saw it on parade day, and a lot of it was torn off. Maybe they'll fix the lights, as they've been all F'd up lately.

I think of all the awesome (and lame) shirts I've seen over the last week, one really summed things up. It simply said: YANKEES SUCKED.

Quiz #2 Results, Quiz #3

Whoever said "'cause rosemary heals saw wounds?" to Quiz question #2 was exactly right. The prize for this quiz was season tickets to Fenway in '05, but since you posted annonymously, I couldn't contact you, and had to give the tickets to a homeless man and his dog. (They say thanks!)

But don't worry, you'll get over this saw. Just give it rosemary.

Quiz #3: What movie starred David Spade, Sharon Stone, and Tony Hawk? (As far as I know, there's only one answer to this.)


As you know, I'm a huge fan of legendary Red Sox catcher Rich Gedman. Number 10 was an All-Star in the 80s and memories of him handling the pitching staff and taking wild helicopter-like swings will live in our hearts forever. Being a native of Massachusetts, and having grown up rooting for the team he'd later star for, it's fitting that the Red Sox have shown Rich some loyalty, inviting him back to Fenway on several occasions.

Now I'd heard that there was a Duck Boat full of Red Sox legends at the parade. I somehow missed this, despite being right up front AND videotaping the parade. I'd seen Johnny Pesky, which was awesome, but the other ex-players I wasn't aware of at the time.

Then Pat tells me that Gedman was part of the Red Sox legends group! So I checked my videotape, which I hadn't watched yet, and sure enough, seated right behind Pesky, was Richard "Rich" "Geddy" Gedman. I guess I was so focused on zooming in on Pesky, I didn't realize there were other greats around him.

So now I've got great close-up shots of Pesky and Gedman, rolling down the street, as part of the World Champion Red Sox. I think Gedman should get a ring as well! Let's make this happen! Gedman in '08! (For manager. Do I hear player-manager?)

Edit: I'm in no way associated with the website selling Rich Gedman autographed baseball cards. I just needed a picture of Rich, and that was the first one I came across. (But J. H. Christ, do I need to tell you to buy that card?? Autographed Gedman!)

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

In With The Same Old Same Old

Bush won. Great. More killing of innocent people. Nice job, USA.

I'm trying to keep my mind off it this by thinking of next year's lineup:

1. Johnny. He'll be back with mega-confidence, now having been called the best leadoff man in the game by some people.

2. Whoever plays 2B, maybe, but I'm kind of hoping Trot can take over this spot. I say if they just put him there from the beginning of spring training, he could get used to it, and should get some nice pitches to hit with Manny & Ortiz behind him.

3. & 4. Manny Ortiz. Isn't it funny how people make fun of Kerry for not knowing Sox players' names, while Bush probably couldn't name five world leaders' names?

5. Millar. Can he have a full year of being good, please?

6. Varitek. That's right, my prediction is they do what they gotta do to bring back Jason. He's so key, especially to the pitching staff.

7. Trot if he's not hitting second.

8. Mueller. Keep him down at eight for extra bottom-of-the-lineup clutch hitting action.

9. Cabrera. I think he gets signed, too. He could also bat second of course.

Nice lineup. I predict next year will be fun. Why am I writing like a six-year-old today? Maybe cuz I wanna be prezadent sumday.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Final Q & G Report

If you've been reading this blog all season, you know I was a huge critic of the yankees' Quantrill/Gordon "dynamic duo." These two were called the team's two most imortant off-season pickups by announcer Jim Kaat. This thinking was then adopted by everyone in the New York media, and the yanks had a grand scheme involving their starters going six innings, Quantrill & Gordon pitchng the seventh and eight, before handing it over to the great one for the ninth.

My thought was that their starters wouldn't go six all the time, Quanrtill was a bum, and Gordon was old and wouldn't last the season.

And as the season progressed, Torre overused the "theory," pitching these guys almost every day, to the point where:

Quantrill became ineffective. Look at his last eleven appearances of the season: 10 innings, 15 earned runs, 0 saves, 0 wins, 2 blown saves. And by the ALCS, he wasn't really in the picture any more, but did give up 2 earned runs on 8 hits in 3 1/3 innings, with a loss.

Gordon finally tired out by playoff time, and couldn't handle the pressure, apparently puking in the bullpen. His ALCS stats: 6 1/3 innings, 4 earned runs.

Also, they lost the ALCS, and the Red Sox won the World Series. Yes, the Red Sox won the World Series.

Today, I saw an old man with a Red Sox shirt and hat, through the window of a Chinese restaurant. I started pumping both fists in the air like a maniac. He did the same thing back to me. The excitement doesn't seem to be wearing off. Oh, uh, I mean, I don't know what to do and I lost my identity. Yeah, that's it.

A Quick Word To The Mets And Their Fans

First of all, thanks for your anti-yankee energy this post-season.

Secondly, you've got a manager to name. And Willie Randolph seems to be the top choice. But from what I've been hearing, you fans don't want any part of this ex-yankee (and ex-Met, I might point out).

Now I know Willie was a cheatin' bastrd in his day, a Jeter prototype, if you will. But think this thing out. You want to do better than the yanks, right? And the yanks always take players from other teams, right? And because of yankee mystique, aka blind-ass luck, they always come back to haunt their old team, who they often didn't do shit for, making the yankees look like geniuses, right?

So here's my plan for you. GET Willie Randolph, and make yankee fans watch as your team battles them for bragging rights, with THEIR favorite son at the helm of the Metropolitans. Just do it. You've got nothing to lose.

The Heart Of Rock 'N' Roll

A few days ago, I heard that song by Huey Lewis & The Proverbial News, and I thought to myself, Why did he choose to name one city over another? Of the select few cities he named, why were two from Oklahoma? Shouldn't he have at least mentioned one city from every other state before coming around to Oklahoma again? I mean, I'm sure the heart of rock 'n' roll was beating there, but did he really need to specify Tulsa and Oklahoma City? I know that most words for songs are chosen for the purpose of either rhyming or having the right amount of syllables. But I'd have replaced Tulsa with Lincoln. It's just an unfair advantage to Oklahoma, given all the cities in states not represented in the song.

Maybe these actually were Mr. Lewis' favorite cities on tour, who knows.

Another weird thing about the song is that it, despite hyping rock 'n' roll, is one of the more decidedly non-rock songs of all time. It's a pop song. (You'll notice the same phenomenon in "We Built This City On Rock 'N' Roll" by Jefferson Starship. Apparently the city in question, San Francisco--where Huey is also from, I believe--, was constructed using rock 'n' roll technology, but, judging from the song, was kept standing by keyboards and effects.)

Is this what the offseason is all about?, you may be asking (along with Has this guy lost it?). Well, kind of and kind of. But the point is, the answer to the first ARSFIPT quiz is that all the cities named were mentioned in Huey Lewis & The News' 80's pop hit "Heart Of Rock 'N' Roll." And the first and only person to guess nailed it. (Even changing the order couldn't fool him!) And ironically enough, he's from the Bay Area. Could it have been an unfair advantage, since surely all Bay Area residents have an astute knowledge of all things News? Nah. The Bosnian wins the prize--he gets a congratulatory email from yours truly. Thanks for playing every-, er, Bosnian.

The next quiz question is: When the woodworker cut his arm with an awl, why did he sprinkle thyme on it?

Monday, November 01, 2004

Another Day In Crap-a-dise (I Gotta Move To Boston)

Today, Michael Y2Kay closed his show by pretending to be clueless as to why the Red Sox or their fans would even think about the yankees while celebrating a World Series win. (Varitek's quote about Sox fans being proud to go into the big toilet bowl in the Bronx, Manny holding the Jeter sign--which he took from a fan, but Y2K decided not to mention that--,etc.)

When he asked his co-host and ass-kissing buddy about it, the guy said it was because when you're a loser, you're always a loser.

What a great opportunity for Kay, the self-described "neutral fan," to say, "Did you just call the Red Sox losers within a week of them winning the World Series?" But Kay just nodded and smiled (I could see it through the radio). He just manipulates the listeners, it's really bad. Surely he doesn't think yankee fans are sitting at home saying, "Why would these Red Sox fans show any kind of disdain for us? Preach on, Michael!" But there are lots of dumb people out there, and he makes them believe what he believes. Even when he knows what's going on, but pretends like he's apalled and in disbelief. Anyway, the show ended right after that, without any chance of callers saying anything about it. I can't believe that guy is on the air, let alone has his own show, let alone gets a month named after him on that shabby radio station.

The other night I went to a show at a bar, and the door guy was wearing a Red Sox jersey. I gave him the "Alright Sox!" and he said, "This is my Halloween costume." I kind of looked at him funny, waiting for some type of explanation. He started to give one, but then someone interrupted, and I just walked away. I hate dumbasses like this. I wished I was back in Boston at that moment, as it was the same day that I'd been at the parade. Another time that I went to a bar this year, a similar thing happened. The bartender had a Patriots shirt on. When he made fun of me for wearing a Red Sox hat (remember, this was during the curse era, heh heh) I said, "You like the Patriots but not the Sox?" (Which I have no problem with, I'm not a Patriots fan myself, but come on, chances are, right?) To which he replied, "My girlfriend made me wear this." Again, I just walked away. This is yet another reason why I don't like bars. They seem to attract pieces of crap who don't take kindly to me-types. It's like they see a quiet, weird-lookin' dude like me and take the opportunity to rip on me to prove they have a big schlong or something. F those yankee-loving m'er-f'ers, who just happen to wear the clothing of New England teams RIGHT AFTER they win championships and then have to admit that they don't really like those teams. I just don't get these people. There's a guy at work who's a yankee fan and a New York Giants fan. But the day after the Super Bowl, he wore a Pats shirt. Maybe these people are losing bets or something.

Anyway, after my little chat with the dude the other night, I really wished I had taken the advice of a friend of mine, who suggested a costume where you dress as a yankee player with a bat shoved up your ass.

I've decided that I'm going to wear strictly Red Sox shirts to work until, well, let's just say indefinitely. There's no way I'm gonna let these yankee fans go a day without having to think about the fact that we won the World Series, and they choked in co-friggin'-lossal fashion. And to the good yankee fans, I'll say to you what a drunken dude said to me at yankee Stadium when I was a kid: "This is what the rivalry is all about, when your team wins, I expect to hear you giving it to me." And the scale has been tipped your way for years and years. So it is proverbially on.

In real life, I try to go the Gizzandhi route as much as possible. No revenge necessary, just let the A-holes get theirs,'cuz they will. But in the Red Sox-yankees baseball fan world, which is a big part of real life, I say it's no holds barred. I love my yankee fan friends, but they're just gonna have to put up with me now. They know that.


San Antonio, Washington D.C., Philly, New York, LA, Austin, Oklahoma City, San Franciso, Boston, Baton Rouge, Cleveland, Tulsa, Detroit, Seattle.

The first person who can tell me what these cities have in common wins, um, a prize.

Clue: It has nothing to do with baseball.

Sunday, October 31, 2004

The October Bellhorn Curve

On October 1st, I was healthy, I had a girlfriend, a perfectly functioning car, and more people than ever going to my blog, as the Sox were headed toward the playoffs.

By October 13th, I had one hell of a canker sore on the back of my tongue that made every swallow so agonizing that I could barely eat, no girlfriend, a car with no heat, and my blog had mysteriously disappeared, while the Sox looked dead, especially as I sat in the bleachers during the 19-8 game.

It's now October 31st. My health, car, and blog are back up to full strength, my band played an awesome Halloween show tonight, and will be moving forward with recording now that there aren't playoff games every night, and much like Pee-Wee Herman in his original HBO special, I'm the happiest boy in the world, because the Red Sox won the World Series. I don't think other sports fans can possibly imagine what it's like for a Sox fan to be able to say those words.

Notice I didn't mention the whole girlfriend thing in that last paragraph. Don't worry, fans of me, it'll all work out. That was my last heartbreaking moment. The next lucky lady will be the one that instead of comparing to the old Red Sox, I'll be able to compare to the opposite-of-heartbreaking World Champion 2004 Red Sox.

[Did I just use the term "lucky lady"? You definitely should've rolled your eyes at that one.]

What Are The Odds?

Hey, check it out: Last year, the yankees lost the World Series, and all I heard from the New York stations was how great the other team's pitching was. This year, the Red Sox won the World Series, and all I heard from the same stations was how bad the other team's hitting was. Terrible job.

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