Their first home game and this is how they greet us? We'll see if they can spell "Boston" come April.

Dice-K was a little (a lot) off the mark today. Lots and lots of runs given up. 7-0 Marlins in the 4th right now.

Update 2:21: Ooh, more mistakes! Werner's in the booth and says, "I'm looking forward to that Cubs series in May...is it May or June?" DEAD silence. Then a voice whispers "June." Orsillo quickly says "June!" Wrong. It's May. I don't get that. I understand how annoying it is when you're interviewing someone and they throw you off by asking you a question that you might be unprepared for--Eckersley loves to do this to TC: "Uh, ya got that pitcher, what's his name?" But when the question is basic enough for any Red Sox fan to answer, two key members of the Red Sox media, the producers, and one of the team's owners should be able to come up with the answer between them. As of the next inning, no one has corrected what to me is a horrible error but to most people is meaningless.

2:31: In our other split-squad game, we're up 3-1 against the O's in the 5th. Tejeda's still on fire at the plate, and Crawford has two hits. Looks like Aceves pitched well. Still losing big in the NESN game, Wake now in.

3:40: Tejeda knocks in go-ahead run in ninth vs. Balty. He's 3 for 5. NESN squad trails 11-2 in the 8th.

3:50: Fox gives up a homer to Fox! Orioles tie us, 4-4 in the bottom of the ninth of the non-NESN game.

3:57: Kapstein and Drinkwater also seemed to pull a split squad today, as Denis sat behind the plate early in the game, and Jeremy was there at the end. #99 just got a hit.

4:04: O's-Sox tied after 9. Marlins 11, Sox 2.

4:23: O's-Sox: We're ALL winners! 10-inning tie game.

In college I knew this girl with the unfortunate nickname of "Flem." This was right when that second season of Beavis & Butt-head was new, and it was all we watched on TV. One of the videos on there was Danzig's "Mother." So suddenly everybody knew the song, even sorority-types like Flem. (If you're unfamiliar, it's the song my friend Brian sang in the shower.) One day, we were watching videos, and a different version of "Mother" came on than the one Beavis and Butt-head watched. (There was both the original "Mother" and the live "Mother '93.") Flem looked quizzically at this other "Mother" and, sounding suspicious if not scorned, said, "This isn't 'Mother'...."

I don't know what was funnier, that she considered it an inferior "Mother," or that a "normal" girl was familiar enough with the band Danzig to be able to differentiate between its videos. The point is, I felt like Flem tonight--we've all been hearing and reading and seeing stuff about our new superstar Red Sox and our healthy old ones who we missed so much while they were injured last year, we finally get a look at them in action, but..."this isn't Red Sox." Just a bunch of back-ups. And Clay Buchholz.

But it was still great to actually watch Red Sox baseball tonight on TV for the first time in 2011. Nice job by ClayHH shutting down the Yanks. We were shut down by Colon--but, like I said, we had a lineup of basically all subs. Finally Tejeda knocked in a bunch of runs and we got the win. It's always fun to watch Iglesias in the field. On a 6-3 double play he touched the bag, then almost nailed A-Rod in the face with the throw. I say this every spring training, but beating the Yankees never gets old. So I guess saying it never gets old either.

NESN has Saturday's game, too. (MLBNetwork for everybody else.) 1 o'clock-ish. Hopefully we'll see the real "Mother" out there.

That's from the Sarasota Herald-Tribune, March 21st, 1937. That's right, a baseball team consisting solely of one-armed players. I love how their mascot is a three-legged dog! And I like to think that in the top-right picture, the equipment guy is giving the player shit about having one arm, at which point the dude pulls his waistband out and says "yeah, and I got one dick, too!"

This pre-dated Pete Gray's major league debut by a few years.

I can't find too much online about "White's One-Armed Wonders," but I did find this article about a one-armed team (with a cooler name) from the 1990s.

New slogan! The Dodgers have gone away from "DodgerTown" and/or "This is My Town" and have informed us that it is indeed time for Dodger Baseball. Interesting how they chose the singular form of Dodger. I feel like the singular form is how people refer to something if they don't like it. But I'm sure they did it for better flow.

It's now added to the big board. Of slogans. For 2011.

Not much else new--the Jays moved that "Hustle + Heart 2.0" from the sidebar to the top, making it official, in my mind. And the Mets classed up their background.

Red Sox vs. Yanks ON TV tonight!

We're always looking out at the universe for signs of life, but I've got an idea to help anyone who might be out there find us. And I don't mean putting a capsule on the moon with people saying Hi in every language or whatever.

Okay, so we get some giant thing and we wave it in front of the sun in a non-random way. Like Morse code-style. So anyone looking from far away will see this one star (our sun) blinking on and off in an obvious pattern that had to be done by a living creature.

I know what you're thinking: that I'm mildly retarded. But let me answer some of your questions:

1. Yes, I know it takes a long time for light to travel. So we do our little code and then in a few hundred years, see if we get any feedback. At that point it'll be like those old-school chess games people used to play with each other through the mail, but it's better than nothing. Hopefully the creatures that notice our blinking star are relatively close, so we'll get their answer back in hundreds as opposed to thousands of years. (Or maybe they've got spaceships ready to fly, and now they'll know which star to fly toward.)

2. Yes, I know the sun is really big and I can't build a big thing in my back yard that would block it out. But we could build something relatively big that we could put far enough out in space so that it, at the very least, can block out some of the sun's light, from the perspective of someone looking at it from far away. Right? (But if a planet going in front of the sun looks tiny, I guess my mystery object would have to be at least as big a planet....)

Or maybe we could build a giant structure in the shape of a face profile, and put it on the moon so that it would show up if someone was looking at the sun from far away, like a little black dot with a tiny face on its edge going across the light.

Look, I'm just throwin' ideas out there, I'll let the scientists (and Ryan M.) tweak them.

We're *losing* to the Phillies 2-0 in the ninth, with "one.....one goddamn hit?" [Update 3:45: We lose 2-0. After Stolmy gave up 2 early runs, none of our other guys gave up any. Not even soap opera star Blake Maxwell. So there's that.]

Weird, that's two Major League-related things, Vaughn and Doyle. Speaking of that, I wanna know why the tabloids aren't calling Charlie Sheen "Wild Thing"? It would make so much sense. They still call Madonna "the material girl" for no good reason, but Sheen actually HAS lived up to the name of the character he used to play. Every day the Daily News should be saying "Wild Thing Quits Show" and "Wild Thing In Trouble Again," etc. I'm right, right? I Googled it to see if any sites are regularly calling him Wild Thing, but since there are current rumors about a new Major League movie, those stories are all that came up. It's not like it was some obscure character--many people think "Rick Vaughn" as soon as they see Sheen's face. It's not like I'm asking the tabs to call Corey Feldman "Frogg" or Brian Doyle-Murray "Campsite Owner" here....

Saw Jon Richman out in Northampton tonight. I think he may be the musician I've seen play live the most at this point. You know my feelings about him already, so I'll just leave it at "if you are a member of the human race, you would love a Jonathan Richman performance. So go see one." Eh, I'm sure Incubus fans feel the same way about their band, so you'll just have to trust me on this one. I took some pics but as with most concerts, the lights wash the performers' faces right out of the shot. Yes, I'm blaming the venue on my photographic failures.

At our favorite restaurant in Northampton tonight, a woman at a nearby table suddenly yelled out "does anyone have a tampon?" After a few seconds of silence (during which we all hoped against hope that she needed one for any other reason than what its main use is) I said "I don't." Someone else helped her out, at which point she asked (also loudly), "where's the bathroom?" So odd. I didn't think she was someone with mental problems or anything, more like just your average "kinda old but still lives in a hipster town on purpose" type. But eccentricity shouldn't mean saying bathroom stuff really loud in quiet restaurants. (I am talking, of course, about all bathroom stuff, not just female-specific things. I mean, if I suddenly started literally losing my shit in church* or something, I wouldn't stand up and scream "I'm shitting! I'm shitting! Can someone help?" These are legitimate emergencies, but we're living in a society here.... Later the woman went around to each table maniacally asking if anyone has a blue Honda. At which point I re-thought my stance on her mental state.)

I see Lackey did well today and so did Papi. Nice. Thursday we're home against the Phils at 1:05.


*I've only been to churches at weddings and funerals, and maybe a couple of bingo games, I just used it as the funniest possible example of a public shitting story.

I still don't get how they can eff up Interleague Play schedules so badly every year. It's bad enough that it exists, the least they could do is attempt to balance it a little.

Once again, the Red Sox play a division in the other league....kinda. There are 6 IL series. Two are supposed to be against your "natural rivals" (read: excuse to get a Mets-Yankees series at both their stadiums every year). For the Red Sox, that "rivalry" has become so fuzzy, I don't even know if it exists any more. First it was the Braves. Then it was the half-Braves, half-Expos. Lately the Phillies have figured prominently, sometimes. This year it's half Phillies and half....nobody, I guess. So there are five more series. Four of those are against the division we're *supposed* to be playing, the NL Central. (Cubs and Brewers at home, Pirates and Astros away.) Then, for no reason, it's the Padres of the NL West. I can see having one less game against a division with a small number of teams--but the NL Central is the only one with six! Six teams, six series--yet we only play four of them, even without two dedicated to a fake rivalry!

Let's see who the Yanks have: Besides their two Mets series, it's Cubs, Reds, Brewers...and Rockies! Another west team thrown in in an NL Central year. So they only play three NL Central teams.

Rays: Marlins twice--those 2 have been warring for generations. Then, Brewers, Astros, Reds, Cards. Okay, in MLB's twisted world, this makes sense.

Orioles: They've got their two Nationals series, and then Pirates, Reds, Cards....and Braves! An east team thrown in.

Toronto: Are they picking out of a hat? A hat that's not labeled "NL Central" at all? Astros, Reds, Braves, Cards, Pirates, Phils.

Let me ask you something--if the 5 teams of the AL East are playing the 6 teams of the NL Central, and the Cubs only play 2 of their Interleague series against AL East teams, what the fuck division are the Cubs "playing"? Let's check out the Cubs' IL sked, because I'm quite curious: Red Sox, Yanks, White Sox, Royals, White Sox. Two east... three central!

So to recap:

Boston: E-1 C-4 W-1
NY: E-2 C-3 W-1
TB: E-2 C-4
BAL: E-2 C-3 W-1
TOR: E-1 C-4 W-1

What's the point? They really should pick out of a hat.

Also, I realize schedule making is hard. Maybe bring that old couple back. I don't know, maybe they initially said "we'll try to get each division to play a certain other division, no promises." Still, terrible job on this.


Sox/Braves, 1:05 p.m. today. First TV game is Friday night.

I went to a pizza place today, and as I walked out with my eggplant parm sandwich, I noticed a sticker on the door that read "Please Call Again." And it got me thinking about how older generations used to say "call" when they meant "appear at a place," which makes no sense. Like the way they'd say "you have a gentleman caller" or whatever. I thought, That's so weird--it's not like they're just calling on the phone, they actually showed up! So much more than a call.

But then I realized who the asshole was--me. Because why the hell should communicating with someone via audio only be referred to as a "call" anyway? Soon I realized that the phrase "telephone call" just means the telephone version of a call. (A call meaning a pop-in.)

So there's a case of my generation thinking they know what stuff means, without realizing that we were already one step behind.

It's kind of like the name "YouTube." Do you think any teenagers have any idea why the word "tube" would be used to indicate "something you watch"? We're already two steps removed from it. Televisions used to be made from cathode ray tubes, which is why we called TV "the tube" and/or "the boob tube." Little Justin or Emma (remember when that was your grandma's name?) might be aware of those terms, but even if they are, they probably don't know why they're used--Why would a flat screen be called a "tube"? So the odds of them connecting "tube" to "a television-like web site made by YOU!" are slimmer than their stupid jeans.

And forget about them knowing what the "bay" that "ebay" comes from is. Or what a hub for "stubs" is, now that nobody rips tickets anymore. Or where "pedia" comes from. Or what a physical book full of faces is. And on and on. I kind of like how the phrases live on anyway.

Lester, Aceves, Papelbon, Williams, Milton High's Rich Hill, Tony Pena's kid, and Fox combine on a four-hit shutout. We beat the Twins 5-zip.

My resolution is to not say "Minnesota Twins" as much as I did last month.

Red Sox vs. Minnesota Twins, 1:05 p.m.

Damn!

This very minute, 7 years ago, I started this blog. Aren't I supposed to do something else now? Or at least tell you what the price of a gallon of gas was back then? Eh, whatever.

Some pretty funny stuff here.

3:46: We win 7-6. Candelita catches a liner with the tying and go-ahead runs on base to end it. Miller, Bowden, Rice, Albers all with scoreless innings to wrap it up.

3:16: Reddong! Josh two-run homer gives us the lead 7-6 in the 7th.

2:59: Drew Sutton knocks in 2, we trail 6-5 after 6. Bard gave up a couple runs. Beckett hit in head before game but is supposedly fine. Boston Herald still using old logo.

Papi with a 3-run dong. But Dice and Wake haven't been so hot....Twins lead 4-3 in the fourth. I might update this later. I might not.

Here I am opening a pack of 1989 Fleer and 2011 Topps baseball cards. Watch it later.

I thought the Red Sox might dump some Monster singles at 10:00 today. They didn't, but they did add a new category to the premium section, called just "suites." But any time I click on that, it said no tix available in that section. Don't know what's going on there. And I still don't know what the deal is with splitting the right field boxes into upper and lower, or if they've even sold any of the lower.

Hauls of Shame has a new post about yet another Barry Halper forgery, this time involving an old Red Sox jersey.

Twins @ Sox, 1:05.

...and a second later, Sox/Twins. We lost 8-4. Okajima gave up a lot of runs. Wagner and Lars donged for us.

Click on any player's name in the box score, and you'll see...that Major League Baseball still isn't using the new Red Sox logo, as it moves into its THIRD year of existence. (I will never shut up about this until the last straggler gets on board!)

My first time at Firehouse 13. Pretty cool place. An old fire house they use for music/art/whatever.

The Deacons:



For What it's Worth:


Razors in the Night:

I'm one for one on guarantees in 2011, as we completed the collegiate sweep last night. Maybe I'll leave it at that and retire with a 1.000 percentage. Beckett and HH go for us tonight against the Pavano and the Twins. Game is on EEI and Gameday Audio. 7:05.