Treasures awaited me when I got home from work yesterday. Three grays* in the mailbox--so I got to see more of the photos on the new tickets. All of them were either Youk or Beckett. Josh is seen pitching on June 17th in Atlanta, with bits of Varitek and home plate ump Mike Winters visible in the foreground. The Youk shot was taken in a spring training game.

I also received an orb that was signed by 19 members of the 1982 version of a certain team--no Dewey or Yaz, but the other major players are included. And Rick Miller signed twice. I got this while searching for Gedman items on eBay. I kind of won it by accident--those balls usually fetch a high price, so I'll often just up it myself, knowing that if someone else is gonna get it anyway, I might as well make them work for it. Turns out I nailed the reserve price exactly, and nobody else was willing to go over it, so I won.


*Red Sox fan slang for the envelopes tickets arrive in. Term invented by me, just now.) Speaking of tickets, while I'm still boycotting Boston Dirt Dogs--hey, new bloggers, why do you all link him? Oh well, I guess everybody thinks it's cool at first--I came across a picture from his site while doing a search, and it brought me to a recent "headline" from his page. It was--and get ready for some serious originality and timely use of pop culture here--one of those MasterCard "priceless" things. He was complaining about scalpers--which is fine, of course--but he noted that the "face value" of a bleacher seat is $21. That tips me off to the fact that ol' Joe Dirt hasn't had to buy a bleacher seat in a while. 21 dollars is the discounted price you pay for bleachers if you're a season ticket holder. The rest of us have paid 23 bucks since 2005. (His pic of actual tix shows $21 dollars, but it also says "2006 Season Ticket" right on there.) TJ, DD. It's like how Bill Gates ran off the set of the Daily Show I went to this week, proving to everyone that he doesn't know the cardinal rule of the talk show guest: Stay in your seat when the interview ends. i.e. these people are out of touch with the commoners.

This article says the registration for all the high-falutin seats starts today. They even put it in bold-face type. However, I got the e-mail from the team yesterday (it's almost like I'm living the same day over and over...happy Groundhog Day, everyone), and registered right away (hoping that it's just bullshit that it's random and the first people to register automatically win.) I hope I'm not screwed because of this. The bold-face worries me. Then again, if I win, I'm only gonna look at the $140 Monster Seats and say, Yeah, that's just too much money. But standing room's pretty cool up there.

Between this, Bill Murray on Letterman last night and his team in the Super Bowl on Sunday (what is this, Mi-am-i Beach?), and me seeing Jon Richman who appeared in a movie with Murray, it's shaping up to be a pretty perfect Groundhog Day weekend.

Oh, and one more thing about Slick Willy Clemens. 02145 brought up a great point, which has been mentioned before, but still: Think of all the young, struggling pitchers who'd love to have a chance in the majors and who'd give their all every single day from February to October if they got that chance. And then you've got ol' Roger: I'll just start after the All-Star break, I can't be pitchin' around, speedin' up and down all ova da place. Jon Lester has cancer--cancer--and he's ready for spring training. He's all: Sorry, coach, I gotta go get chemo at noon, but I'll be back at 2 for that drill where you cover first over and over again--I promise I'll rehearse it in my mind while getting the chemo...

And then we'll have people making fun of Manny for yet another year, should he only play in 150 games. But Roger, Oh, that's okay, whatever you need... you can just relax until the World Series and then we'll give you a call. If that's what you need. Would you like a fruit plate?

You were supposed to sing that post title to the tune of their old jingle from the 80s.

It's been announced that WTIC will continue to carry Red Sox games. Many of you are familiar with, and some can relate to, my plight, growing up listening to WTIC-1080. And when I say "listening to," I mean "barely detecting the voice of Ken Coleman amidst horrible static and, of course, the Orioles game on the overpowering WBAL-1090, and sometimes even 3WE-1100 out of Cleveland." Which is funny because I was an hour from Hartford, but five hours from Baltimore. WTIC is known for it's strong signal, which goes to...everywhere in the northeast except for the areas I've lived in. I always blamed the terrain (and Steinbrenner's secret tactics)--the "mountains of Meriden" giveth, but they taketh away as well.

It's funny to me how people have come to realize that you can tell by Joe Castiglione's tone whether the Sox are up or down. I figured that out 20 years ago--without the advantage of even hearing the actual words he was saying. To the novice, it just sounds like, "shhhhkk ccchhhh wwwoooowww wwooooow Greenwell wwooowwww kkeeeee and he stabs it!" I can decipher the meaning of Joe's tone because I grew up hearing his tone and nothing else.

So TIC will continue carrying the Red Sox. When I heard, I thought, "Great, more UConn football and Rush Limbaugh pre-empting Sox games." However, when reading the article, I was shocked and ecstatic that they'll actually commit to 162 games this season! And that they'll do (and have been doing (?)) remotes from the Green Monster before some games. Wow.

Walking home from tonight's Colbert taping, Channion and I walked past a dude who was saying into his phone, "Man, if I were the Yankees organization, I'd be like, shit, too." I started getting happy, wondering what bad thing happened to the Yanks. I tried to figure it out the way George Costanza did with the "Downtown" song. But I couldn't. I got home and checked the news. Nothing. I wonder what that guy meant.

I did see a Gammons article called "Clemens Going to Yankees," but it's got that little "i" next to it, so I don't know what he's talking about. I don't see anyone else saying that in any kind of official way.

My trip to The Report tonight confirmed my stance that the Colbert experience easily tops the Daily Show experience. It's a lot more intimate and, surprisingly, for a much newer show, organized. There was a new warm-up comic, and he pointed out a Sox fan, a "Connecticut mom," and a "Connecticut dad" in the crowd. All of these people were sitting adjacent to me, my mom, or my dad, who were there tonight, yet he passed over us. He did ask Chan if he had blue hair. (It was just the blue light. Chan's always turning colors. Remember when he was green?)

Colbert brought up that hilarious Aqua Teens/Fake Terrorism/Shutting Down of Boston thing. I just can't get enough of that story. I love what CSTB's been saying about it (scroll around), as well as what Colbert did tonight--saying how the incident has ruined his planned advertising involving sending out letters promoting a winter show with fake snow inside, and other stuff like that. I just can't believe that happened. I mean, not one person saw that stuff and said, "Hold it, hold it, this is clearly an ad for a cartoon. Let's just all take a step back here." And calling it a hoax? Come freakin' on. We all know exactly what it was. Seems to me like this is a case where the authorities caused a panic, and shut down parts of the city. Oh no, bright lights! It must be a bomb! Maybe they should be apologizing instead of Cartoon Network.

What's the point of this article? We all know Steinbrenner sent his people to China in a blatant attempt to try to get the upper hand in the Asian market with the Sox grabbing all the headlines Japan-wise. But now the Yanks are taking the rivalry with the Sox to Japan. What the hell does that mean? Are they just gonna, like, tell 'em about it and stuff? Will there be a film strip? A special aired on TV in every Japanese home? This is so vague. What's going on here?

This Clemens talk is really taking off. Hoorah. We are all...very.... exci...ted. [Biiig boyyy yawn] Ahem. Yyepp. In the spirit of Roger's latest article-about-himself-just-because, I give you:

Roger Clemens' Lessons For Kids

1. Play only for a winner. Children, the only way to be a winner is to join winners. How do you spot the winning groups? Just look at their wallets.

2. Don't waste your time. Guys, time is precious. You've got a lot to do. Let everyone else do the work getting to the top. When they're almost there, latch on. (Remember, only latch on to the ones who look like they're about to succeed--latching on to a loser makes you a loser. That's pointless.)

3. T-E-I-M still can be pronounced "team." Don't get caught up on petty things like loyalty. What have I been telling you, kids? You are the most important thing, even in a team situation. You're not out there to help others reach their goal, your job is to use others to reach your personal goal.

4. Those who love you don't matter. Who matters? You matter. If your best friend's dad kicks you out of his house (for, say, eating all his food without permission), abandon your friend and become chums with the Dunbar boy across the street, whose dad molested the original friend. Laugh behind the back of the old friend while he applauds you for doing such a great job at the Dun-Barbeque that he wasn't invited to. Screw that guy. (Even though he never did anything to you--but his dad's a dick--for rightly tossing you out.)

5. Fake injury. This is the big one, kids. You can get out of any situation if you remember this one simple rule. You could be right on the verge of taking the big prize, but if you don't feel you can get the job done, say you've got a blister. (Don't admit to it, though. Act like someone else influenced you to abandon ship.) If the team ends up winning, you share in the glory. If they lose, the blame will fall on someone else's shoulders--and you can just try to join the next team that's poised to win. How? Go right back to the top of this list. Never give up, kids.

Jonathan Richman is about to tour. In a related story, I'm psyched. Especially because he's playing four shows in NYC this weekend. (Boston people: you're screwed on this tour. I gotta figure he adds some shows there after the 19-show tour ends, what with him being from there. Keep your fingers crossed.) I'll be at the Knitting Factory on _____day with Chan, who'll get his first taste of Richman. I saw him in Hamden, CT a few years ago. The guy's really entertaining. I'd consider him one of my idols. If you don't know the name, he's the dude from The Modern Lovers, who also ruled back in the day. I guess all the masses know of Richman are his appearances playing guitar in Kingpin (with Roger Clemens) and There's Something About Mary.

Oh, and if you've been to Fenway Park in the last few years, you definitely know this tune:

I remember laughing at that song before games a few years ago, and then slowly it occurred to me: Hey, I know this voice! Terrible job by for never having heard that one. Below, Jonathan in an awesome interview in '86:


[That interview's gone. Try this one:]

I followed along with the bomb threats in Boston on the Globe website today. When they started mentioning the McGrath Highway, it became scary, as I have loved one (singular) right near there!

Turns out, it was only Mooninites. I am literally laughing out loud at my cube. Good thing everyone else went home.

I've been a fan of Aqua Teen Hunger Force for years. And for its fans, this is an historic day. Aqua Teens shut down city. Freakin' hilarious. Look, terrorists, just go ahead and start bombing us. Our authorities have no clue.

I love the caption of the photo at the Globe site, which I've posted above: A Massachusetts State Police Bomb Squad officer removed a "Mooninite" from a support column of the Monsignor McGrath Highway. I also love how it's giving the finger. This is just too fun.

I feel like David St. Hubbins in that argument with Nigel over his "fucking wife." Moments after posting my well-known opinion that I'd prefer it if that fat pig Clemens would NOT come back to my team, I read an article by Eric Wilbur talking about how "we" all would love for him to come back. Are we talking about the same guy? Can someone check me on this--am I losing my mind? Do "we" want Wade Boggs to step out of that photo of him riding around Yankee Stadium on a horse after winning the World Series back into Fenway Park to play third base again? Or maybe we could have Sparky Lyle day at Fenway next year. Johnny Damon could present him with the "We've all erased our memory" award.

We are talking about the same Clemens who started shitting the bed at the end of his Red Sox career, and was surprised that we might want to kick his ass out, right? The same one who said he wanted to play closer to home, then went to Canada, on his way to New York? The same one who made the conscious decision to rub/kiss the head of the Babe Ruth plaque before each game he pitched for the New York Yankees, as he pitched them to a World Series win, while we all sat there, still with no championship after 80 years? You know I'm not making this up, right? Babe Ruth. Do you think he was doing that because he loves the Red Sox and their fans and always wanted to come back to Boston? While in the meantime beating us as a fucking Yankee and winning the World Series with them?

Can someone check me on this? Was that all a horrible dream? It sure felt like one.

The guy's pure evil. He's never met a fanbase he hasn't screwed over. And he's old. And he's on steriods.


Update, 3:40 PM: Boston Globe urges fans to "convince Roger to come back" on their message board! They ask: "Should the Red Sox make another highlights video, or simply beg for Roger's return like a jilted lover seeking forgiveness?" Yeah! Fun! Let's beg him for for-fucking-giveness! Pleeease, Roger, we're so sorry you got to win those championships for the Yankees! What the hell is going on?? Are you people going to do this every year? At what point to you just say "fuck him"? I guess for people who didn't say it when they saw him kissing Babe Ruth, the answer is "never." And wait a minute, a jilted lover doesn't ask for forgiveness, they're asked to forgive. What are they talking about? How long have I been asleep?

I just got the following e-mail from the Blue Jays. (As it turns out, the Reggie Jackson thing was an exclusive offer to U.S. fans. So, uh, that doesn't make this look any better. To assume that we Americans all just love the Yankees and Reggie Jackson is some kind of national hero to us all...well, again, I don't know how to spell that vomit noise. The Blue Jays should be ashamed of themselves for blatantly catering to Yankee fans. I'd be even more pissed if I were a Jays fan living in the U.S., and I got this crap in the mail. Terrible job, Jays.):

Hello Baseball Fans!!
My name is Mike Rodriguez, I'm a Consumer Sales Representative for the Toronto Blue Jays Baseball Club. I am writing you today to confirm that you received our mailer in recent days, outlining our special offer to American clients that have purchased tickets to attend a game(s) over the past few years. This U.S. 4 Game Pack is exclusive only to our clients from the United States.

The package includes all of the following:

o Discounted pricing on tickets
o Access to reserved seating
o No service charges
o Question and answer opportunity with Hall of Famer, Reggie Jackson, on Memorial Day
o Prices are in Canadian, so you save even more money and includes all taxes

I guess what they're going for is, Look, we've got this Hall of Famer here, and you can meet him. They want people to come up to their park. But how about getting some Blue Jays fans in there? This is so ridiculous. It shows you how money is the most important thing to some people. I understand they're running a business. But if I were running a business, that wouldn't mean I'd have to abandon everything that I hold near/dear to my heart. If I heard the neo-Nazi dollar was a huge dollar, I wouldn't start trying to lure them into my store. (Kind of like how I'd never, ever want Clemens to play for the Red Sox, no matter how good he'd make us--which is no sure thing, by the way. If any Sox fans are somehow confused by this, please take a quick look at the history books, or ask your parents or something.)

I know what you're saying. But I can't spell that noise vomit makes so I won't attempt to capture it with words. Now that you're done booting at the mere sight of Reggie Jackson's face, I know what you're saying again: Why is Mr. Cocktober on your blog? Well, I got the 6" x 10" card at left in the mail today. I usually buy tickets to a game at the Dunbar Dwelling each year, so the following year I'll usually get the annual mailing from the Yanks. That's what I assumed this was. Okay, whatever, I'm used to it. Then I looked closer. "Why the hell did they put that Blue Jays' logo on there? Wait, why the hell did they put the Blue Jays' stadium seating chart on the back? What a royal fuckup..." Then I used the ol' noggin to figure out what was going on. That's right, the card was sent by the Blue Jays!

Beep, beep, beep--back up a second. Why would any team send out a mailing with another team's player on it? Turns out the Jays are having a promotion where you can, by purchasing a multi-game package, attend a Q & A with Reggie Jackson before the Torontonians' Memorial Day match-up with the Yankees. Uh...okay. My next thought after reading that was, "Okay, I have a New York address. Maybe they're bringing in a legend from each visiting team, and then promoting him to fans in that team's city who, like me, had bought tickets from the Jays the previous year." But I'm guessing that's a little, uh, not-at-all-feasible. Or maybe it is only Reggie, but only people in the New York area were sent the card.

Regardless of all that, this still stinks. I have accused the Jays of being pro-Yankee before, what with the former Skydome's gift shop having an entire Dunbar merchandise section and all. (When I say "and all" I mean "the time the Yanks clinched the playoffs at Skydome on the last day of the '95 season and they set off fireworks and granted they were probably pre-scheduled but still they could've waited a few freakin' minutes...") But this is ridiculous.

Does any Jays fan want to see Reggie Jackson on the front of a mailing from their own team? Or any Yankee for that matter? Couldn't they have gotten George Bell? Where the hell is Lloyd Moseby? Why is Reggie Jackson the centerpiece of the 2007 Blue Jays? And why do they feel the need to attract the other team's fans, especially over their own, none of whom give a shit about Reggie Jackson? And even in that case, they're doing it before a Yankee game. Yankee fans will be coming that day anyway. I am completely baffled by this.

And can they kiss the guy's ass any more? The picture is the kind that's black and white with a "glow" around the player. Then on the back, it's the color version of the same shot, and a shaded area with the schedule superimposed on it. If you look closely at the shaded area, it's actually a close-up of a pinstriped "44" jersey! They're going all out with this, as if Reggie had any connection to the Blue Jays, when in reality he was a division rival of the Jays who never played for them, and was passionately hated, along with the rest of the late-70s Yankees, by baseball fans across the galaxy.

(Also, terrible job "extending" the crowd in the pic by making a mirror image and then stretching the photo out. (Right under the Y in the Jays' logo is the point where the "mirror" is.))

But enough about that. This weekend, I went to my first-ever taping of The Daily Show. It was cool, but I like the Colbert Experience better. (I'll be going to yet another Colbert taping on Thursday.) Friend of ARSFIPT Jason from Seattle came along with Chan and I, as did my mom. Mom was in town for an interview with an XM radio show. Since she had her book with her, she tried to give it to Jon Stewart during the pre-show Q & A. It seemed like he was going to accept, but then laughed it off upon hearing the title. I guess celebrities can't bother taking gifts from fans--she could've published the book in her attic for all he knew--, but still, he could've taken the gift and thrown it away when he got backstage if absolutely had no interest. Besides, my mom's idea of giving him a book was much better than that of the kid who raised his hand and just said to Jon, "You should write a screenplay." On Thursday, both my parents will be joining Chan and I at The Report. I came up with a great idea. For the Colbert Q & A, Mom should again raise her hand, only this time say how she tried to give the book to Stewart three days earlier, and he declined, and that she's crossed out the inscription to Jon and written a new one to Colbert. I think that might work.

I also saw a piece of the Berlin Wall yesterday. They're all over the place.

Just got home from The Daily Show, and checked the web for Helton updates. Looks like it's a no-go.

Wow. Not since that fateful Easter weekend of '02 have I been shout out on the big sale. I did what I could, considering I was at a foreign computer and I, you know, had stuff to do yesterday. I wanted to get four or six seats together to a summer weekend game, but...nothing. You can still get standing room to most games at this point.

Fortunately, I got that Sox Pack/Pak, and with the 10-game plan, and the early- and late-season games I've got, I'm still pretty gold. Plus, tickets are always being released, so I'm sure I'll get more.

I like what this says about the state of the team, though. I remember people on EEI after 2004 saying stuff like, "In three years, will people still care?" You know, as if we're a bunch of Yankee fans or something. So it's good to see it's still going strong.

There is talk of Todd Helton coming to the Red Sox. I'd be totally down with that, depending on what we'd have to give up. According to the article, the Rockies seem to be inquiring about people like Matt Clement and Julian Tavarez. If anyone in the Rockies organization is reading this, well, just know that it would be devastating for us to lose those guys. I don't know what we'd do without them. That's a guaranteed pennant for the Rockies, minimum. What a great move that would be for you guys. The effect of Sox fans relocating to Denver and switching allegiances if those guys went out there would make you enough money to be competitive for years to come.