Friday, November 05, 2004

An Article That ISN'T Real...

Tampa, FL-- George Steinbrenner is getting used to long winters. His overpriced ballclub has failed to provide him with what he lives for, a World Championship, for the fourth year running. But this winter, Rich Uncle Money Bags just might be thinking about hibernation, after watching his team blow a seemingly insurmountable lead to the rival Boston Red Sox in the playoffs, and then having to watch from his gold La-Z-Boy as the Sox went on to sweep the Cardinals in the World Series.

Or is this the year George turns over a new leaf?

While witnessing the Red Sox come into the House That Ruth Built , with their flowing manes, cornrows, afros, and facial hair, and defeat his clean-cut players, George got an idea.

"I saw something about [the Red Sox] that I liked. The attitude--it seemed to come from their loose style of play, and, I hated to say it at the time, but from those silly beards as well. They proved that a team can play winning ball, even if they're ratty-looking and unclean."

That's right, folks, George has an eye for what it takes to be a champion, and in 2004, what it took was long hair and beards.

"For 2005, we're changing last year's motto--'World Class'--to the catchier 'Down To Earth'," said Mr. Steinbrenner today. "You thought the Red Sox looked silly, we're going to put the silliest-looking team in baseball history on that field. And we're going to win, damn it."

A mop-topped, unshaven yankee team? You heard right.

"I couldn't believe it at first," says shortstop Derek Jeter, "but I'm excited for it. I just started growing what will be some kick-ass chops."

Gary Sheffield shares Jeter's enthusiasm. "Georgie hits me up on the cell around 2 AM this morning, askin' if I can grow an afro! [Expletive] yeah!, I told him."

What does Hideki Matsui have in mind for the now mandatory "unkempt yankee look"? Through his translator, the Japanese superstar said, "What do you call that haircut with hair just on the middle?" When asked if he was referring to a mohawk, Matsui said, "No, but long in the back..." You heard it here, folks. A mullethawk for Hideki Matsui.

With rumors of a multiple facially-pierced Mike Mussina, a green-haired Jorge Posada, and a pig-tailed A-Rod, the yanks are looking like winners once again. And George is proud of his guys. "The Red Sox showed us what it takes to win. Next year, we won't be outdone."

Will players who don't comply with the new policy be punished?

"Off the team. No questions asked," says the Boss. "Cashman's in my basement working this into everyone's contract as we speak. I'm a little worried about Bernie, but we're replacing him with Beltran, anyway. They'll all fall into line."

Everyone falling into line--sounds like the old George. Maybe he doesn't quite understand this winning thing just yet.


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