Well, that's the last time I read Sports Illustrated or go to SI.com. They published a post by a piece of repeatin' stinky shit-vomit named Andrew "Pol Pot" Perloff, in which the author states that the Boston Red Sox are a mediocore team. He says the same about the defending World Champion Celtics, who are ten games in first place with a .784 winning percentage. Mediocore.

I don't follow hockey, but since he grouped every Boston sports team into the category of mediocrity, I checked the NHL standings--to find out the Bruins are also in, yes, first place.

I'm still trying to figure this out. A man looks at teams which are currently clearly, inarguably, very, very good, and writes that they've "slipped into mediocrity." AND SPORTS ILLUSTRATED PRINTS IT.

He also uses that age-old classic, "winning is the worst thing" to happen to Boston. Yeah, I feel absolutely awful when my team wins. I just wanna kill myself. God, I wish we were in last place. What a fuckin' moose penis caresser.

As you know, I don't care about any of the Boston teams besides the Red Sox, but the fact that they're in the group he mocks (again, for something that seems to only exist in his hopes and dreams) is enough for me. But I'll also defend the Boston teams that clearly are good--again, two in first place, one a defending World Champion, and another who was a win away from the World Series--on principle alone.

So, Sports Illustrated, I'm done with you and your website whose main focus seems to be "hot chicks" anyway. I love how SI's little line to click to get to the article says "Boston's run of dominance is over." That's OPINION, you fucks.

And to reiterate, Andrew Perloff goes around to nursery schools and collects pre-school farts in bags, then goes home and puts them in his fart-chamber, which comes with an inhaler tube, which he straps to his face while he slices up orphan puppies to feed to his maggot-donkey hybrid spawn, before they all do the face-first lawnmower through piles of their own regurgitated feces. An anonymous source confirms this.

Thanks to another person duped by Kaylee, I was able to find the new blog of our favorite fake cancer victim. As is Kaylee's custom, she's just acting like everything's normal--just a little line about "no more lies," and move right on with her e-life. I don't know how she expects people to take her seriously.

Anyway, that same woman linked above sent me Kaylee's now-deleted apology, which I will repost here:

"Kaylee....comes clean....

I need to come clean to you all. One of my readers and and I were recently talking on Facebook and she told me how she really felt about this whole thing. And told me that she does not like being lied to and thought that I was lying about some stuff on here. I havent been telling the whole truth and I think you all need to know that. I don’t have cancer. The only thing that i am really suffering from is depression. I also want you all to know that my family situation isnt as bad as I have been making it out to be.My sister and my dad did not die and my mom does not abuse me. Also, the pictures that I posted were of my sister not me. The reason that I have been posting during the day is because well I dropped out of school. That is the truth. Big mistake I know but, I chose to do it. I don’t have that many friends in real life and the only reason for that is I dont make an effort to go out and make them. I sit around the house way too much. I hang out with you guys because of this. I am truly sorry that I lied to you all but, I do hope you all forgive me. It was so hard to write this post but, I felt that it had to be done.Especially, since there are people out there like Teeni that have been through cancer and stuff. I will be hapy to answer further questions in my comments section!!!! You will see the real me from now on. :) "

Yes, Kaylee, some other people actually have the diseases you pretended to have. Every moment I spent sympathizing for you could have been time spent on my girlfriend's mom, who has cancer. Not, "says she has cancer," but really has cancer.

The thing I always wonder when the Yankees give a player a huge contract is: Does the player really think the Yankees "wanted him more"? Or do they realize the Yankees just have the most money? Seriously, do you think the Pirates wanted Teixeira any less than the Yankees did? I'd say they wanted him way more, based on their performance these last fifteen years. Teixeira, for one, does not understand:

"Contract was important. I wasn't going to take half as much money to play in New York. But when a team like New York steps up and is very competitive with their contract, it was an easy decision for me."

Fans want players who would take half as much money to play with their team. How do these guys not get this? He goes on and on about his lifelong love of the Yankees and their proximity to Baltimore and...Hoboken, was it? Yet he comes right out and says, basically, "I wouldn't have come here had they not given me so much money." Nice job, Richard. You're just another guy for them to boo anyway.

I love how Yankee fans read anything like this and say "you're just jealous." No, you're jealous. We have what you want, so you have to go around flaunting any possible thing you can, as it's all you've got. Yes, I said we've got what you want, which is the most recent championship between us. You may say (if you're really delusional), Hey, you didn't win last year, we're even right now. Imagine if I'd said that too you in any year after you didn't win from the day I was born until 2004. What would you have said to that? That's right, you'd have said "1918."

And another thing! What's with all these articles sucking up to Yankee spending? First of all, it's so old. They always act like they're the first to think of it, when we all know they're just doing it to attempt to stand out. "Hey, check it out, you should LOVE that the Yanks spend 400 million dollars in one offseason, yeah, that's the ticket." They all say, "Don't complain, they didn't break any rules, and it helps your team the more they spend!" Come on. We're not saying they broke the rules, we're saying that they're assholes! "Hey, is your prick of a boss a trillionaire? Well, he pays more taxes--it helps you! Go ahead, give him a hug!" No! "But he's not breaking any rules..." Doesn't mean I don't still hate his guts!

That guy who's flogging you--his flogging wand is giving the poor children in the dungeon with you a nice breeze! You should LOVE him! If you don't, you're unAmerican.

I hope you're seeing this right now. MLB Network is showing the original, black & white 1946 World Series film. This is amazing. I was hoping this network would do stuff like this. This is after the beginning of the Ken Burns Baseball documentary, which ran from 8-10:30, and will be on for the next few Tuesdays. (With hopefully me in the new, updated "inning," as I was walking around Fenway when Burns was there this past season filming for it.)

Ooh, the Williams Shift. I gotta go finish watching this...

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I just saw on the news this block near Fenway Park went up in flames! All these restaurants destroyed. I really liked that Mexican place....

The first and only Peavy vs. Marshall game.

(Yeah, I know the company is spelled "Peavey.")

What's considered "veteran" status in Major League Baseball? I think it's five years of service, since the "veteran's consent" rule is based on that amount of time. Regardless of the official meaning of the term, would you consider Jon Lester a "veteran"? Or Dice-K, who only has two years of service on the starboard side of the Peaceful Pond?

Because this article says they both are veterans. Here's the line:

"The Red Sox signed free agent Brad Penny, giving them five veteran starting pitchers in Penny, Josh Beckett, Jon Lester, Daisuke Matsuzaka and Tim Wakefield..."

All I can think of is that he considers anyone who isn't a rookie "a veteran." But even if you wanna consider Dice a vet due to his time in the Japanese league, I don't know anyone who looks at Lester and thinks "veteran."

(Note that that story also brings up the Lowe issue--some say the Mets will definitely get him. Some say they definitely won't. Some say they'll up their offer. Some say the won't. What's the point? Don't people realize that if one anonymous source says one thing and another says the opposite, that it's probably not a good idea to be believing these people? I'd like to see an anonymous source debate. The two sides could wear ski masks and argue over their individual perceptions of what was told to them in confidence. But no reporters would be allowed in--just other anonymous sources.)

1. Inside one calendar year, the Bruins, Celtics, Patriots, and Red Sox had the following four players, respectively:

Kessel
Cassel
Cassell
Casey

2. We watched some of Little Miss Sunshine on a cable network the other night. One of the most touching scenes in that movie is when the brother, during his vow of silence, writes a note to his little sister to "go hug Mom" after learning the grandfather had died. But in this made for TV version, they cut out the note, and it just skips to the the girl hugging the mom. Talk about horrible editing. You might as well roll credits before the pageant starts.

3. If you're a Curb Your Enthusiasm fan, you know who "Krazee Eyez Killa" is. He only appeared in a few episodes, but since them, I've followed his career in commercials: the one where he's a concerned father of a teen driver; the one where he eats chicken on a boat with middle class pals; the one where his fellow air travelers break into "hallelujah" upon hearing good news from the desk agent.

Fellow Curb and Krazee fan Chan sent me this video. First of all, I had no idea this man was Vanessa Williams' brother. (Chris Williams is his real name.) Second of all, how funny is it that he's asking people to donate their eyes?

I think the media is (getting a kick out of) overblowing the Red Sox' offensive "issues." Just because you try to get a really good hitter on your team, that doesn't mean you had a glaring omission. The Red Sox are always trying to improve their team in any way possible. They took a shot at doing that with Teixeira, but it didn't work. So we move on. But the media makes it seem like we're a bunch of losers for "not getting the job done." And then it's, "Oh look, they tried to get this other hitter. And this one, and this one. They must really stink if they tried to get those guys!"

No. We're smart. We don't say, We want this guy so bad that we'll risk ruining everything we've built to get him. I haven't heard Theo come out and say "We failed. We screwed it up and now we're gonna finish last because our offense absolutely blows. Even though it was one of the best in the league last year." It's the media that makes that crap up, and they act like it's fact. Leading copycats to do the same thing, making it the established thinking. This is why I'm anti-(most) sports media.

You know how you can tell a Yankee sympathizer? When they, claiming to be a fan of some other team, tell you that "the Red Sox don't spend the money--don't do what it takes, like the Yankees do." If these are the fans who think the Red Sox have too much money, why wouldn't they be saying, "Hey, great job setting a limit on Teixeira"? Besides, when anyone tells you that, tell 'em that maybe if the Yanks had "done what it takes" to get Matsuzaka, they might have won the 2007 World Series.


The one area where I will criticize my team in this situation is Manny Ramirez. If you truly wanted to improve your team, and you're one of the few who can afford Manny, how can you justify not being in the running for him? You think Manny's childish? What do you call it when a business refuses to improve itself due to personal reasons?

I do pride myself on being the type who has limits when it comes to who I want on my team. Yankee fans would gladly take Osama bin Laden on their team if he had a good curveball. Look no further than the fact that every single star the Red Sox have ever had has been coveted by Yankee fans. They might hate the guy on the field, but the second he becomes a free agent, they'll smile at the thought of the enemy playing for their own side, as long as it helps them win. Because that's the Yankee way. Win at all costs--killing your family, taking the best drugs, maniacal dictators on the mound, "whatever it takes." Think about it--did any Red Sox fan ever talk about wanting Jeter on their team? Yet in the late 90s all we heard was them almost bragging about the eventual Nomar & Jeter infield in The Bronx. Mo Vaughn? "We'll take him!" Pedro? "Destines to bring a title to Yankee Stadium!" Yaz? "He's from Long Island, send him over!" Now I wonder about that much talked about Ted for Joe deal back before I was born. Must've been Yankee fans who made that one up. Would a Red Sox fan want to trade Ted Williams? I think a Yankee fan would've happily traded Joe DiMaggio if they could get somebody better...

But all that "being said," Manny doesn't fit into that category. That category that Roger Clemens fits into. The "I wouldn't take that guy on my team if he had superpwers" category. In fact, where are the pro-Clemens people on this? The ones who said, "bring back Roger so he can finish his career where he started it" people? (Yes, some Sox fans cross lines I wouldn't cross.) You'd take that dirty drug-taking Yankee but you won't take Manny, one of your own?

Whenever we take I-195 and cross that bridge from Somerset to Fall River, I look to the south and see another, much cooler-looking bridge off to the south. Today we were exploring that area, and part of the trip involved going over this mystery bridge. Here are some shots.

This is from Fall River, Mass., a few steps north of the Rhode Island border. (Didn't know this at the time. I thought we were in Tiverton, RI.)

This one is from Aquidneck Island, which used to be all of Rhode Island, which is kinda why our state is called an island but isn't an island at all.

Also from Aquidneck Island. Now we were almost at the bridge, which connects the island to the rest of Rhode Island, aka the mainland. That's named after an island.

Okay, so we get on the bridge, which I know now is called the Mt. Hope Bridge, and holy crap. Scary as a mofo. The key to the fright-fest is that it's so thin. It's two lanes total, no divider. 28 feet wide. By comparison, the Williamsburg Bridge in NYC is the height above the water, but it over a hundred feet wide. That one's scary enough, because you drive on the outside of the train tracks, right along the railing, which isn't very high. But just imagine if that whole train tracks area was gone, leaving you with just that short railing right next to you on BOTH sides. That's the crazy Mt. Hope Bridge. Also, it feels like you're going straight uphill. The below picture only does it, like, 20% justice.


How come this bridge doesn't get more attention? Maybe I just don't hang around in bridge discussion groups often enough.

PS I'm sure a lot of you knew all about this, but I obviously didn't cuz I ain't from 'round here.

.....coming soon: thealexvanderpooleera.....

JERE'S LIVING ROOM-- Single game tickets for most 2009 Boston Red Sox home games will go on sale Saturday, January 31 at 10:00 AM [edit: WRONG! It's January 24th, and there's also a presale deal. Read about it here.] by phone and internet.

To ensure that as many folks as possible have the chance to experience Red Sox baseball at Fenway Park in as fair a distribution as possible, the team will allow fans to purchase a maximum of eight tickets per person.

Beginning January 31 [make that the 24th] at 10:00 AM, fans can purchase tickets to most 2009 single games by phone at (617) 482 4SOX or online at redsox.com. Fans with disabilities may call (877) RED SOX9 to purchase accessible seating (while supplies last). The Red Sox' TTY number for hearing-impaired fans is (617) 226-6644.

To help distribute the most sought after games and locations in a fair and equitable manner, the club will hold special random drawings for games against the New York Yankees, Opening Day (Monday, April 6 vs. the American League champion Tampa Rays), and all tickets on the Green Monster and Right Field Roof Deck areas. Details for the random drawings will be announced at a later time.

Please note that this story was written by some guy (me), not the team, and may be wrong, but I'm pretty sure it' correct from what I've pieced together through snooping--though the summer games' onsale time is listed as 12:00 AM, but I'm guessin' it'll be the usual 10 AM. Also note, I just cut and pasted from last year's story and filled in the new stuff. I think the team does the same for the official release....

You've probably heard that John Travolta's son died. But just now I found out that Travolta himself actually performed CPR on the boy when he found him on the floor.

This isn't meant to be a joke or anything, but as soon as I heard that, my mind went to that story from a few months back about "Stayin' Alive" being the perfect song to sing to yourself while doing CPR. In fact, some articles even mentioned Travolta himself, as he (for you young types) starred in Saturday Night Fever, which featured the song prominently.

To further the coincidences, I heard Stayin' Alive on the radio not two days ago for the first time since that report, and I was listening and thinking, "Are you kidding? This is WAY too fast..." And on top of that, a few hours before finding out about today's story, I was telling Kim all about this old boarded-up house in Brewster, NY we used to go to as teenagers, where I scored a velvet Travolta poster with the Saturday Night Fever logo on it.

So weird. Watch for wacky websites everywhere asking if John thought of the song while doing the CPR. We'll see if they wait a day....

Okay, fine. You want another clue for Kwiz Nein? Here it is: One of the actors in the movie in question also appeared in a movie I mentioned in a post here in the last two days.

You know what I hate? When somebody lists a future event by its date, but doesn't give the day of the week. A date three months from now means absolutely nothing to me, unless I'm autistic or I've got some other event going on within a few (or exactly seven or 14) days of it and can figure out the day.

Besides, the whole key to an event is if it's on a weekday or a weekend. If you tell me there's some awesome show going on next July, it won't really matter if it turns out to be on a Tuesday afternoon, because most people won't be able to go anyway. At least if you're not gonna give a day, maybe put an asterisk next to the weekend dates or something. Come on.

From Red Smith's column the day after Don Larsen's "El High and Outside-o":

"I still say," a Brooklyn fan insisted yesterday when the deed had been done, "that the big stiff throws like a girl."

I love reading the thoughts of a rival fan after a historic moment that most people are brought up to think caused only joy and happiness throughout the world. (Despite the sexist overtones to this particular fan's remark--53 years later and we still haven't seen a female in the bigs. But hopefully soon....)

Last night MLB debuted their TV network with a special that showed the whole game, along with Bob Costas interviewing Larsen and the ghost of Yogi Berra. I watched it on and off between Twilight Zones. I like how they showed the old commercials--as we know, having and using razor blades was the cornerstone of a fulfilling life back then. As far as the game, you've seen one black and white shot from high above home plate, you've seen 'em all, but I did get a kick out of the various other shots they showed: a little controversy about the batter's eye in center field, the occasional dugout or crowd shot, and the ancient graphics, which consisted solely of a head shot of each hitter with his name below, on a split screen with that batter stepping into the box on the other side.

I also thought the batter pretty much stayed in the box the whole time back then, but occasionally you'd see a guy step out or the pitcher step off. To see that as an abnormality was kind of fun.

I hope this network gives us good stuff. My idea of what's good never really seems to match that of TV programmers, so I'm not too optimistic about it.

By the way, Google News search has a lot more access to actual newspapers, I've noticed. Works just like the old microfiche machines. For the paper I got that quote from, I was scrolling around on electronic scans of actual newspaper pages. Try it, it's fun. Great to see pictures and captions along with the usual text.

[Title of this post taken from sign on classroom wall of my 7th grade social studies' teacher, Mrs. Larsen. Which was probably spelled Larson. She'd always be talkin' about that son of hers, "Topher." I wonder where Topher Larson is today.....]

[Note: I wrote and posted this post at 1 AM, but had used an open window that I'd started previously, so it came up a few posts below. I've moved it up here, but clearly too late, as I'm probably gonna post something else soon anyway. Myyyy mistake...]

I've been trying to figure out for a few days why Tony Mazz thinks the Red Sox' lineup is "suspect," considering it's just about the same as last year, when it second in the league in runs per game, and first in baseball in on base percentage. (Someone else thought the same thing, and asked him directly--his answer was something about how the team's numbers were inflated by bashing bad teams in August and that there's a good chance it'll be closer to "average" this year. I ain't buyin' it.)

Nice finish to "the marathon"--tonight they ended up showing the three episodes which were remade in the 1983 movie, all within a few hours. And we got to see traditional favorite, Willoughby. Hope all you fellow Zone-Nerds enjoyed it this year, too, in the 50th anniversary of the show's debut. It never disappoints.

You know how I theorized that the fact that there are four regular season games scheduled for October would mean easier ticket availability to those games? Well, not only are fans not noticing, but even the team forgot about the little Octies in this recent error message. You can say it's a space issue, but there's clearly room there. You could say "the first week of October counts as September," but if that was the case, they'd slip that week onto the September page of their schedule, which they don't do. You have to click on "October" to even see that those games exist. Oh, and you could say, Maybe those October games aren't included in this sale, but you'd be wrong, as they are, and I've already bought plenty of tix for them.

All's I'm's sayin's is, I know that final weekend is always a popular ticket, so if you want to go, well, you know the drill.

Nice job, showing Midnight Sun at midnight. The pig faces episode got the coveted 8 PM slot, followed by Obsolete Man. Saw The Hitchhiker earlier, too. It's been a great day of Zones and sledding in the 8 new inches of snow we got today, just when the previous snow had finally disappeared. Terrible job by CNN who, with 10 seconds left till 12:00 removed their clock from the screen, leaving Anderson Cooper and a drunk Kathy Griffin to count along to nothing. (She also threatened repeatedly to expose his wang, much to his dismay. Come on, Anderson, you gotta know what you're getting into when you team up with her.)

Conversation just now:

Me: Here's a quiz for ya--what does the T.F. stand for in T.F. Green?

Kim, falling asleep: Tutti Frutti....

Happy New 365, all.