In 2004 I racked up my first Sportsman of the Year Award AND my first Person of the Year Award. My past awards include a ribbon for "2nd Place" at field day in fifth grade at Ridgebury Elementary School, and the Pete Rose Award for Best Hustle, on the Rotary Little League team in 1986.

As I've hinted at before, I will not be accepting Sports Illustrated's Sportsman of the Year Award, given to all Red Sox fans, because while there are plenty of female Sox fans, SI insisted on calling the Award "SportsMEN of the Year."

ABC's People of the Year Award was given to "bloggers." In winning this award, I'd like to thank Al Gore for inventing the internet. Without him, none of this could be possible. I'd also like to thank my loyal readers, who support my anti-Michael Kay stance, and don't turn me over to the police when I speak of killing him. Also, thanks to the man upstairs, Rich Gedman (assuming his bedroom is on an upper floor, and he's in it now, as it's 1:30 in the GD morning on the east coast).

Moving on, I have a lamp by my bed, with the turny knob that clicks on and off. But it only goes on or off on the second click. So, the pattern goes: Click. On. Click. On. Click. Off. Click Off. Do you have that kind? No, you've probably got an eLamp or an iLamp that turns on when you tell it to with your mind. Well, I've got the old kind. So, I thought to myself, Hey, it'd be easier to turn the light on in the morning if I do one extra click once the light is off the night before, because I'd only be one turn away from having the light go on. So I woke up the next morning, turned the knob just once, saving the time of that second turn, and the light was on. But then I thought, Well, now I should do another click, so when I go to turn it off again, I'll only be one turn away then, too.

So, after all that, I'm still clicking twice every time. All I ended up doing was one extra turn, to get me into the new pattern. There's got to be a metaphor for life in there somewhere.

This is why I win awards.

Didn't I just say that you never know when you're gonna get scammed by these internet ticket sites? Sure enough, Chan, who bought our Opening Day tickets, got an email from the site saying, "Sorry, those were spring training tickets." Okaaaay....

Fortunately, he can get his money back. Man, I knew that 60 price tag for lower deck at yanke Stadium was too good to be true, considering the cheapest bleacher seats are going for about 85 each. So we'll probably dig a little deeper and get some of those.

But these ticket scalpers are horible. I went back to that site, and they're STILL selling the spring training tickets for 60, calling them "Home Game 1." I'm not going to say the name of the site, because I don't want to advertise for those rip-off artists.

The deal is this: The first three games of the year will be played between April 3rd and April 7th, according to yankees.com, but no dates are set yet. All these ticket "agencies" are selling tickets for the 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, and 7th, saying each day is yankees vs. Red Sox. So much like with a "shake" in Springfield, you don't know what you're gettin'. I called this one place, and asked the guy about this. It was like I was the first person to realize that they're selling five sets of tickets to three games. Later, I checked their site again, and they had changed it, because of me, to say "Home Game 1, 2, and 3," instead of "Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday." That's when I decided to spring for the 60 dollar seats, because at that point, they were being called "Home Game 1" instead of "Monday," which could've meant Game 1 OR 2, depending on ESPN, I guess. So, through Chan, we got 'em, or thought we had 'em, until the guy wrote Chan saying that these "Home Game 1" tickets, formerly known as "Monday" tickets, were actually tickets to a spring training game. (Which makes no sense either, because spring training will be over at that point.)

The weird thing was, the guy was nice on the phone, saying he didn't want to sell me tix to Opening Day, when he couldn't guarantee they were for Opening Day. And now he's offering Chan his $ back, but still, terrible job by all these stupid criminals. Maybe I'll go the eBay route.

It's true. Any hope of keeping Pokey on board is gone, as he has signed with Seattle. I had a feeling he was gone yesterday, when I got an email from The Souvenir Store, offering discounted merch. Along with a hundred different cheap Nomar T-shirts were a couple of Pokey ones. Now it's official. I'm sure he'll like it out there. Take the underground tour, Pokey. And I'd recommend getting a house in West Seattle. But don't go into the "UFO Museum" on Broadway, it's pretty much a scam, and the guy in there is sketchy.

From my friend Jen, in response to my Army Day query:

"Army day is the same as Flag Day now..it was the "birthday" of the Army. Then it was June 10th now it is the 14th."

She's also going crazy trying to figure out why 302 doesn't belong. So I'm finally going to tell her, and you. Okay, we know all three numbers are distances to the fences at Fenway. 302 doesn't belong because it's not painted on the fence. (Probably because you wouldn't be able to see it from home plate, since that part of the wall faces out toward center field.) So nobody got that one. Except for the person who said he didn't smoke weed, although I now realize they may have been being sarcastic.

Looks like the yanks have the aging mulleted one. Normally I'd be rooting for a broken leg in these situations. But I actually hope they all stay perfectly healthy, and still lose. I want chaos in the yankee clubhouse, or Steinbrenner getting way too involved and screwing things up, that kind of stuff, as long as that two hundred fifty million gets them squat in the end.

When George finds out that the Mets got Beltran (which seems to be a strong possibility), he may flip out. How sweet would that be? It was assumed as fact that the yanks would get Beltran this off-season. And now their little brother team might swoop in.

I'm looking forward to a great year, with the Sox taking an early lead, then, backed with the knowledge that they are the defending champs, actually hold that lead and go on to a nice repeat. Either that or just get the wild card, and watch the yanks fold with Kevin Brown and Jaret Wright blowing huge games in October.

Remember how I was saying that the fact that the yanks played their home games at Shea Stadium in '74-'75 is rarely ever brought up? Well my sister got me this little booklet called "1975 Remember When..." in honor of my year of birth. It has news and facts and ads from '75; they make one for every year, you know the ones I mean.

In it, I found the following:

"Playing in Shea Stadium while Yankee Stadium was being renovated, the New York Yankees marked Army Day with a pre-game ceremony. The 21-gun salute destroyed part of the stadium's fence and set fire to another portion."

Huh?

Has anyone ever heard of this? I've seen the footage of Disco Demolition Night at Comiskey in '79 a thousand times, so why not this fiery destruction? I'm really starting to think Steinbrenner has burned all the footage of the yanks playing at Shea. He's trying to pretend it never happened. Kind of like how the city of Danbury, CT refuses to admit that there's a river running through it. If you drive around the city, you'd never know of the existence of the Still River. But walk around downtown and peer over the huge concrete walls and you'll see it. But look quick, before the cops catch you acknowledging the existence of it. I call it the "Red-headed Stepchild River."

So where was I? Ah, yes, the yanks at Shea. I'm starting to think it never happened at all...

And what the hell is "Army Day?"

You know you're at a good concert when you literally get pushed through a wall...

I went to a punk show last night in the basement of a house in Southbury, Connecticut. Southbury: The crown jewel of Exit 15. The first thing I saw was that Ted Williams "Moxie" ad. Then I saw a Red Sox Number One Foam Finger. So I knew I was in a friendly household. The dad is a huge fan, and allows his son to have crazy punk bands play in his basement. So it was cool. A bunch of my friends from the old days were there. The old days meaning a few years ago, when my old band, The Pac-Men, used to play and make all the kids dance and go nuts. At the end of last night, these people were telling me how this show reminded them of the old Pac-Men shows. So that was good to hear. But more importantly, these bands last night just ruled, and the hundred or so people packed into this tiny basement turned into a mass of energy, just running amok as one the whole time.

Some of the bands were from Canada, and they had a little entourage with them. I noticed these Canadian kids doing these hand claps while watching these bands, along with this little hip shaking dance. It reminded me of when I went to SkyDome in Toronto, and wathced everyone do this choreographed dance to some special Blue Jays song that was played during the 7th inning stretch. There are plenty of "punk dances," but we Americans have just basically combined them all into one dance called "go nuts." So it was funny to see the more organized Canadian vs. chaotic USA style of Music-enjoying.

So I was standing against the wall, right up front, the whole night. Ceiling tiles were falling, people were flying through the air, and the dad didn't seem to mind, as he'd peer in to the basement with a blank stare every once in a while. At one point, the entire crowd surged into me, and I felt my entire midsection just go backwards...creating a two-foot high back/ass print in the sheet rock. Had I been standing in front of a stud, I might well have been crushed. But the wall just gave way, cushioning my body nicely. "I broke the wall," I bragged to my friends. This was the first wall I'd broken since my car slid on some ice and went right into the brick facade of a local record store. The guy who owns that very store was there last night, videotaping the bands. When the show finally came to a close (the last band played for an hour, we just refused to let them stop, because nobody wanted the night to end), I went over to this dude and told him to keep the camera rolling, so I could have him get on film the new "seat" I'd created in the wall.

What do you expect, though, when you go to see a band called "Fucked Up"?

I have a cousin who tells me that she's good friends with the wife of Brian Johnson, singer of AC/F'n/DC. She lives near where the Johnsons live in Florida, and has partied with them at the mansion that metal bought.

Now that's cool enough right there. But I just read that Brian Johnson attended Johnny Damon's wedding in Orlando.

So what I'm getting at is, am I gonna get to hang out with Johnny Dmaon or what? I need to get down to Florida and see that cousin. Here's how I envision the scenario:

Ding dong. [door opens]

Cousin: "Oh hey cuz, welcome to sunny Florida, come on in."

Me: "Hey, thanks for having me. Where are Brian Johnson and World Champion Boston Red Sox star Johnny Damon?"

Cousin: "They're jamming in the air-conditioned studio on some AC/DC classics. In fact, they need another guitarist, and they specifically asked for 'that awesome blogging cousin from Connecticut'. So go right in. Oh, and there are plenty of those Jax cheese doodles you like, but this is a kind that they make for celebrities that don't leave that orange residue on your fingers."

"Thanks, cuz."

(Isn't it great how the fact the Red Sox are World Champions is the only REAL thing in this fantasy?)

Now about overpriced tickets:

Despite all my bragging about how I always know when yankee tickets go on sale before yankee fans do, I missed that day this year. I swear I was keeping track of when tickets for all the relevant teams went on sale, i.e. the teams that play somewhat near me who also play the Red Sox. But somehow the yanks fooled me this year. They had no mention of single game tickets on their site for so long, and then all of a sudden, they were on sale. I looked to see how long they'd been on sale without me knowing. Four days. Screwed. I tried for opening day, nothing. All other Sox games at the Stadium: single seats only. Crap. So I started looking on the internet sclaper sites, and to make a long story short, I ended up with a pretty sweet deal. 60 bucks a pop for Opening Day, NOT in the bleachers, so I can walk around the whole park at least. I'm psyched. yankee Stadium is now our house, it's gonna so fun to be there this year.

With my ten-game plan at Fenway, I've also got the second game of the year against the yanks, and a game in the final series of the year against the yanks, plus playoff "consideration." So things are shaping up nicely. I just hope the internet tix I got for Opening Day in the Bronx actually are for Opening Day; you never know when you're gonna get scammed.

So everyone google "yankee tickets," look around on the ripoff sites, and buy up all the Sox games at the stadium, we need to continue our infiltration. You're not gonna find 'em for 60, I don't think, at least for Opening Day, I really lucked out on that price, but good luck with all your ticket finding activities, legal or otherwise.

Also, if you want to take a Baltimore road trip, O's tix went on sale a few weeks ago, go to the Orioles site for those, there are still some left for Sox games.

Chan's "sick," so I'm not in Times Square, but on a couch at Gumby's house, as the year the drought ended comes to a close. His team, the Florida Gators, is on TV in the Chick-Fil-A Bowl, and conveniently he's too sick to go out. He had me all psyched up to go to Times Square, too. Would've been my first time since '97. Only this year it's like 50 degrees, when it should be 20. Terrible job, Chan. Oh well, I've definitely done the sit-around on New Year's Eve before. I'm more into the Twilight Zone marathon than the doing whatever adult-types do on New Year's Eve, with the hats and the champagne and the kissing strangers.

Now it's after midnight. Chan's laptop has been charging. It's 2005. We just watched that really freaky Twilight Zone episode "The Hitchhiker." Earlier we saw "Midnight Sun," another one of my favorites.

Earlier, we ate at the Mexican restaurant, and while I was eating my black bean burrito with no sour cream, I got to thinking about how I'm supposedly going to die one day, although that hasn't been proven. I was saying to Chan and Gumby how sometimes I feel like I just can't take my job any more. My job where I sit there all day, in a nice temperature controlled building, never having to challenge my muscles, or even my brain, really. Maybe I just feel like I'm wasting my life away. I said how I want to drive to Florida in March, sleep on the beach, watch some spring training games, and come back to where my problems will be waiting for me again. "What problems," they said. Exactly.

Then last night (which would be BEFORE the Mexican restaurant incident. I guess the story doesn't time, much live Nirvana's "Sliver": "I fell asleep and watched TV."), we were playing Scrabble, listening to music from Chan's computer, and I decided I wanted to hear that song from the Charlie Brown Christmas special. So I plunked a Susan B. Anthony on the table, and told Chan to download the tune, so I could hear it immediately. I thought first of how amazing technology is: I want to hear a song, I tell Chan which one, he hits a few buttons, and the song is magically playing. I feel like we should all have silver suits on. But then I thought, What the hell? People are dying, drowning, getting washed off the face of the earth, while others have no food to begin with and are sleeping in the street, a few minutes from where I sit in a comfy chair in a heated living room...and what am I spending my dollar on? A goddamn song that I don't need to hear. At all. I can hum it in my head.

I did think that maybe hearing the song might inspire you to do something to help people in some way; after all, music is medicine, but what's my excuse for buying that 80 cent package of Devil Dogs. Or that tenth Red Sox World Champs T-shirt? Couldn't I have one less T-shirt and give a little money to some homeless person?

What other pleasant thoughts do I have on this first day of the rest of Chan's life? Let's see....Chan's been playing this Nellie McKay person. She's pretty interesting. I feel like she's trying too hard with her lyrics sometimes, but I think I like her and her many different musical styles. She's no Joanna Newsom, though. She plays the harp (not harmonica) and has a weird voice. Why did I even compare the two? Because they both were born with female sex organs? Thanks, society, you've corrupted me. Sometimes I'll hear someone talking about a doctor, and without actually making a conscious decision, I'll get a picture of a man in my head. Then they'll specify that the doctor is a woman, and I get really mad at myself. But again, I blame society. Terrible job, society.

The Florida Gators lost. Their quarterback just refused to follow through when throwing. At one point, with only a glimmer of hope left, he tried to throw a ball out of bounds, and he couldn't even do that right. The ball floated up and then came down, on the edge of the end zone, where a defender reached out and caught the ball, barely keeping his feet in bounds. All the dude had to do was throw the ball into the stands. Instead he left it where it could get picked off. My dad used to do this on purpose when we'd play one on one football in the front yard. He'd just throw the ball away to avoid a sack, but would leave it hanging up enough so that I'd have a slight chance to run and catch it. Switching without even the aid of a new paragraph to Life Aquatic talk, it was cool how the very first line from the first Bowie song you hear in the film is "Look at all the cavemen go," because there's a band from around here called "The Cavemen Go," one of whose members is a big Sox fan. So...

I'm going to see Bill Murray get interviewed in NYC next weekend, thanks to my mom. (Xmas present.) How sweet is that? How often does Murray make a public appearance? I've got front row seats (thanks again, mom) and I was thinking about wearing a shirt that says "Don't hassle me, I'm local," like the one he wore in What About Bob? I think it'd be really funny, especially if everyone else is wearing, you know, normal people clothes.

I got some good answers on the last quiz. I liked the guy that said 420 doesn't belong, because he doesn't smoke the weed. Me neither, buddy, you get a point, but that's not what I was thinking of. Someone else mentioned the distances of the fences at Fenway, and picked 302, which is correct, but the reason was wrong. Keep thinking.

Speaking of weed, right after it hit midnight, they showed Snoop Dogg's message to Dick Clark.

Whoa! It's two in the morning, these guys are begging me to go home, and Chan just flipped to the Late Late Show, and who was on but Nellie McKay. She looks way different than she sounds. She just sang the line "I don't know how to shmooze." Awesome. Okay, she's almost as cool as Joanna Newsom because of that. Okay, I've gotta go. They got mad that I said I had to write about McKay just because we saw her on TV. But now I'm going home. Happy New Yizzle everybody. Be safe. Although by the time you read this, if you were unsafe, the damage is probably done. So I hope you were safe, how's that?