Friday, January 07, 2005

The Awards Keep Rollin' In

In 2004 I racked up my first Sportsman of the Year Award AND my first Person of the Year Award. My past awards include a ribbon for "2nd Place" at field day in fifth grade at Ridgebury Elementary School, and the Pete Rose Award for Best Hustle, on the Rotary Little League team in 1986.

As I've hinted at before, I will not be accepting Sports Illustrated's Sportsman of the Year Award, given to all Red Sox fans, because while there are plenty of female Sox fans, SI insisted on calling the Award "SportsMEN of the Year."

ABC's People of the Year Award was given to "bloggers." In winning this award, I'd like to thank Al Gore for inventing the internet. Without him, none of this could be possible. I'd also like to thank my loyal readers, who support my anti-Michael Kay stance, and don't turn me over to the police when I speak of killing him. Also, thanks to the man upstairs, Rich Gedman (assuming his bedroom is on an upper floor, and he's in it now, as it's 1:30 in the GD morning on the east coast).

Moving on, I have a lamp by my bed, with the turny knob that clicks on and off. But it only goes on or off on the second click. So, the pattern goes: Click. On. Click. On. Click. Off. Click Off. Do you have that kind? No, you've probably got an eLamp or an iLamp that turns on when you tell it to with your mind. Well, I've got the old kind. So, I thought to myself, Hey, it'd be easier to turn the light on in the morning if I do one extra click once the light is off the night before, because I'd only be one turn away from having the light go on. So I woke up the next morning, turned the knob just once, saving the time of that second turn, and the light was on. But then I thought, Well, now I should do another click, so when I go to turn it off again, I'll only be one turn away then, too.

So, after all that, I'm still clicking twice every time. All I ended up doing was one extra turn, to get me into the new pattern. There's got to be a metaphor for life in there somewhere.

This is why I win awards.

I don't believe in progress.
//No, you've probably got an eLamp or an iLamp that turns on when you tell it to with your mind.//

This... is hysterical. And yet, I want one.

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Location: Rhode Island, United States