Wednesday, July 18, 2012


Before tonight's game, Remy said the Red Sox have been able to stay alive through the injuries "because of the second wild card." Maybe another case of MLB paying people to praise their new idea? Because a peek at the standings would have told Remy that we were only 4 behind the first wild card going into tonight. Now we're 3. (And 1 back of the second WC.) With 70 games left. I'm pretty sure we wouldn't have thrown in the towel under last year's rules....

10-1 Monster win for the redder of the two socks tonight. In a 1-1 tie in the third, Ellsbury and Crawford did a phrase that will make lots of game summaries. That's right, they set the proverbial table. Cody Ross came up, and...DONG. In the very next inning, Cody came up again with two on, and again hit a 3-run dong. Adrian followed with a dong of his own (all of these went over the Monster), and as Warner Wolf would say, "you could turn your sets off there, folks." The New Englanders went on to win 10-1.

Doubie rolled, giving up just a run over 6, and the pen (Albers, Melancon, Miller) gave up nothing over the final 3. Speaking of weed, I was at Cumberland Farms tonight after the game, and I had the same thought that I always have when I'm at a convenience store at night: The clerk is assuming I'm a stoner! Late-night snacks are for straight-edgers, too! I don't know if it's the sideburns or the fact that my right eye is slightly more closed than my left or what*, but for some reason people generally assume I'm a stoner anyway. Add midnight potato chip buying to the mix and I'm fuckin' Tommy Chong in a 7-Eleven cashier's eyes.

Drug people, it's cool, I'm down with you doing your thing (man)--in fact, I seem to love movies about drugs, maybe it's because knowing I'm in no danger of ever trying them, I can watch with eyes wide open, well, the left eye anyway, and just enjoy--but I hate that you've taken control of the midnight-snack industry! It's kind of like how when I refuse offers to eat peanuts, everybody assumes I'm allergic. No! I just fuckin' hate peanuts, and every other nut for that matter. Now suddenly I'm one of "those people" when I say no to nuts. I'm just a man. A man who hates nuts and loves potato chips. But no sour cream and onion, Jesus! And what the fuck are chives?

I guess the moral of the story is, the Red Sox won. We're gonna get ahead of this wild card field and then set our sights on the complacent Yankees!

*or my writing style, perhaps

P.S. Nut allergy people, I'm not saying I agree with those people who think you're all whiny and oversensitive. It's a legit allergy. I'm just saying...I don't know what I'm saying, but it's not your fault, it's theirs.
A chive is a small, thin, green onion. I'm just saying...
Ah, yes, with the restauranting and such...
For the record: Drugs are great.
"Cody came up again with two on, and again hit a 3-run dong."

Seemed worth repeating.
I'm totally stealing that!
Random person: "Matty, how've you been?"
Matty: "Gosh, I've been busy, what with the restauranting and such..."
Matty: Nice. BTW, My mom said that chives were the one plant she knew how to grow, and that therefore I've been eating them my whole life. I guess I know now, and have had them recently, too--but I still don't want green stuff in my potato chips! Kim just got a bag of those sour cream and onion ones last night--just the smell is torture, I'm always yelling "turn the bag the other way at least!"

BSW: Nice.

Allan: That's subjective!

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