Monday, July 11, 2011

L-B'ing The HR Derby

11:20: The Hample vids are here and here, you'll see the yellow Homer shirt. These were recorded bootleg style, laptop aiming at TV, sorry for the poor quality. Wow, Cano was a little over the top with that celebration, eh? What a dick.

11:03: I'm confused. He's hugging everyone and even saying "no mas." Does he think it's over? But then he gets the derby-winning dong. What a little shit. Well, Adrian gave it a shot, did it without being a cocky piece of rotting feces, and hopefully Cano pulled something. Okay, I'm gonna go YouTube the Hample catch.

11:02: Okay, Cano at, 10...with only 6 outs. We need a serious drop-off or we're done....shit, gets his 11th, we're tied, and he's only at 6 outs.

11:00: Cano's up to 7 dongs---ZACK CAUGHT IT!!!!!!!!!

10:50: Adrian ends with 11. Tied for most ever in a final round. I still wish our guy had last ups. But Cano will now bat needing 12 to win. Yankee fans preparing both post-derby statements right now, the "we'll win when it counts" one and the "we are awesome winners who winningly win always" one.

10:45: Another dong close to Zack, maybe 6 rows in front of him. He's got room to run left/right, but he can't move down. Anyway, Adrian's up to 10 with 6 outs.

10:43: Guy catches one and jumps into pool. He Jetered it though, meaning he didn't NEED to jump in the pool, he just did it for fun right after catching it. Adrian with 6 dongs, 3 outs. Make it 7. Remember, both guys start with 0 for the finals--but they both had 20 so it's truly even. And Adrian is up to 8 homers, still just 3 outs.

10:40: Good start for Gonzalez. 3 dongs in first 4 swings.

10:35: Pedro Gomez: "People don't think of [Adrian Gonzalez] as a home run hitter." Prince is done. It's Adrian Gonzalez vs. Robinson, peg, for the championship.

10:28: I love this--Gonzalez hitting dongs all over. I love it because Cano pulled the whole "wave triumphantly at the crowd" routine after his turn, forgetting that Adrian beat him in round one and had yet to take his round 2 swings. He's tied Cano in total at the gold ball....and he's done. Adrian and Cano with 20, Papi done--will Prince force a swing-off? (Note: Adrian did NOT do the triumphant wave to the crowd as the showboat shit-eater did.)

10:22: Fucking idiots. I'm trying to watch Gonzalez in the HR Derby which comes but once a year, and they miss two pitches in a row because they're showing Cano's face. Adrian up to 15. And there's Zack! He IS in right field. Last dong was just a few feet in front of him, and he waved both arms for the camera's sake.

10:18: Adrian goes opposite field for a dong. He's knocked Papi out since he's up to 12 now. He looks Finals-bound against Cano right now.

10:12: Cano ends with 20 total. Now Adrian.

10:08: Cano adding many long dongs to his total, he's got 16 altogether. Adrian hasn't hit in 2 hours--he's up next.

10:00: Still looking for Zack's yellow shirt, but who knows, maybe he's stuck in left. If he is, he's pissed with 4 lefties left. 8 outs now for Papi, 8 total dongs. He needs some more though he'd be technically alive if he ends now. Gets a gold ball dong to make it 8....and they COMPLETELY MISS his last swing. ESPN, you jackasses. If you don't show it, we don't see it. Who's in charge? Will they be fired? What's the point of airing this event if you're not gonna actually show it? Cano up next.

9:56: Okay, Papi leads off round 2. Total of round 1 and 2 add together to get the 2 finalists. He keeps hitting low liners. Now he's asking for a music change! And he dongs first swing post-music change. And again. So his total's up to 8.

9:44: Prince hits one way up and out, and ESPN's cam is too low to see where it hits. And Prince ties Holliday, one more and he's in...with 3 swings left. And he's got it. So it's Prince, Papi, Cano, and Adrian moving on.

9:44: Papi up. This will be tough. Out on swing one. Deeep dong on swing two. Another front row liner for dong 2. Two swings left...and he goes wayyy out! So he's in for round 2--and he adds another. 4 in 5 swings. So if Prince can beat 2, he'll also be in.

9:41: Berman forced to explain the 3-way swing-off as Holliday's hitting. Each of the three guys gets 5 SWINGS...Holliday with....oh my god ESPN showing the number of swings but they're counting DOWN. And no, they didn't tell Berman. So he's thinking....well, the point is, everyone's confused, but Holliday ended up with 2. Now Papi.

9:38: So is Zack gonna get his ass over to RF at this point? Fielder up to 5 dongs, at the gold ball. This could be a three-way tie for the final two spots. Berman not mentioning that, of course. And he ends with 5. So it's Adrian with 9, Cano 8, Holliday, Papi, and Prince with 5. We'll have some kind of bat-off.

9:34: Fielder up, last guy. AL has kicked NL's ass, despite Bautista's poor showing. Wait, so Papi's tied for third, not fourth, meaning if Prince passes him, he's in a bat-off. Too bad ESPN's not updating fans with this stuff. Fielder with 3 dongs, 4 outs.

9:27: 9 outs. Just 4 dongs for Papi. Team meeting! ESPN giving no indication to fans of what each guy needs to stay alive, etc.. Gold ball dong! So he 's got a shot! Tied for 4th. I think. And he's done, as we get a horrid wide shot from behind home so we can see noting.

9:24: Youk interviewed as Papi hits. He gets a dong that they assume ISN'T out and show the field with cam too low, so annoying. A front row line dong gives him 4, but now he's got 7 outs.

9:23: Little Papi brings his dad a drink...another line shot homer... 4 outs, 2 dongs....he's not in a rhythm yet.

9:22: Cano's dad pitching to Ortiz....gets his first dong, a liner, with 2 outs.

9:21: Papi needs 6 for a guaranteed move-on. Here we go...

9:17: Matt Kemp gets to the gold ball with ZERO dongs. These fans are already pissed that their Upton wasn't chosen. Now this dude....well, he gets an upper deck shot...and another dong...and he finished with 2. Papi time next!!!!!

9:08: Bautista shitting the bed. 2 dongs, then lots of outs...but 2 gold ball dongs now...and he's done. 4 for the regular season leader. This means Adrian makes round 2!

8:56: NL guy up. "Oh my god!" says Prince Fielder being interviewed. A kid made a great catch. Or at least that's what I assume, since ESPN opted to not show it. ..and Weeks finishes with just 3 dongs. Unless the remaining 4 guys ALL beat Adrian, he's in round 2.

8:50: And Mr. Thinks He Can Get By On Talent Alone ends up with 8 dongs. Lookin' good for Adrian.

8:48: Cano's dad pitching to him, and he starts out with a few crazy long dongs. ESPN now forgets about the contest, whoops, and we miss stuff. Oh, and now a close-up of Cano's face instead of the ball he just hit. What are these people thinking? 6 outs, 6 dongs, for they do some funny thing but ESPN's locked in on the kid who caught the last ball. They're just terrible. ... 8 dongs, 8 outs...

8:37: Holliday up, ESPN camera people quite impressed with the height of his fly balls that land in the outfield. These guys never learn.... 8 outs, just 3 dongs....9 outs, gold dong...and another--and I see Zack Hample! I see what he's doing, staying in a walkway behind one section of stands in left. He said on his blog he'll be in left--I of course would have chosen right, what with Papi and Adrian. Because, ya know. Anyway, 5 dongs for Holliday. Cano up next. (Hample was close enough to one dong that he had a distance marker graphic right on him.)

8:28: Adrian's almost reaching the upper decks here. ESPN does something stupid, showing a very wide shot with a trail, so we're essentially NOT SEEING anything right now. So fucking stupid. 8 dongs, down to last out, gets a Gold Dong, for his 9th jack. I think he's in for round 2.... and his 10th out. Nice job. Here's the pool replay--it didn't actually go in the water, just into the pool area.

8:25: ESPN, tell us who's talking...Ohhhh, it's Heath Bell. Papi came out with the traditional Gatorade for Adrian's who has 5 dongs, 5 outs. Make it 6 dongs.

8:21:Big dong, pulled right down the line. All this time for ESPN to prepare and they've got the screen covering part of Adrian's body as he hits. Nice. Another dong. To the pool!!!!

8:19: In this lull I guess I'll give my opinion on HR Derby--I love home run contests so I love this. I just wish it was less "the way it is"y and more "just regular"y. Okay, Gonzalez up. Dribbles one for his first a grounder. Terrible camera set-up.

8:17: Papi addressed the crowd, says he's putting Adrian first instead of Cano. I wonder if Adrian's goin' to left field in this thing...

8:15: Good to see Nomar announcing this. (With Kruk and Berman.) They keep saying how there's a "twist" this year. What the hell are they talking about? Just that there are captains who choose their teammates? And that there's actual gold in the gold balls? Or is their something else? What does "AL vs. NL" mean? Isn't there still just one winner?

8:11: Berman asking all the meaningless questions after both teams are introduced. I'll be looking for Zack Hample in his yellow Homer Simpson shirt in the outfield stands.

8:08: We started off with some bullshit country. It's bad enough that their music is crap, but do they have to act all "rock" on us? Just be your shitty self. When the south secedes, I hope they take modern country music with them.

Good use of the verbed Jeter
One step closer to people using it in the real world....
How you managed to watch with sound on with Berman involved is totally beyond my powers of imagination. He is horrendous under any circumstances, but him calling dongs ... I think I'd rather be trapped in an elevator for hours being forced to listen to a Yankees radio loop of the end of the 2003 ALCS...

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