[If you don't want to read the whole thing--all you have to remember is: Alex Avila for catcher, and Ellsbury (but NOT Hamilton) for outfield. Click here to vote. Thank you.]

If you look really hard, you can actually find a player with a lower on-base percentage and a lower slugging percentage than JD Drew. That player is Derek Jeter. Apparently a season like that is worthy of dominating your position in the All-Star balloting.

So people just pick the guy they know, not the one doing well...except at catcher, where everyone knows Joe Mauer is easily the best, but since he hasn't played much, they all say, Oh, this Russell Martin character really deserves it, it's the fair thing to do. So stupid.

With less than two days to get your votes in, here's what we're doin':

Catcher: This is the most important one. Alex Avila is close enough to the Yanks' Martin where he can catch him with a late flurry. Salty has no chance. Break the soXedge and go ALEX AVILA. 25 times, Avila. Then use your second account and vote 25 more times. Several Yanks have pretty much clinched spots so we have to minimize the damage.

First base: Adrian's pretty much clinched over fuckface but throw him all your votes anyway to ensure he gets it.

Second base: Dustin's the great all-around player people think Cano is, and Cano is the shit-eating prick Pedroia pretends to be. Once the perception's there, it's hard to change. People don't have a clue. Cano's pretty much clinched it, but Dustin's second so ya just gotta go 25 for him and hope for the best.

Third base: A-Rod's got it pretty easily over Beltre. Then Youk's slightly behind him. It may not even be worth it to give votes to Beltre, so maybe try to get Youk the second-place nod.

Shortstop: Asdrubal Cabrera is our only hope. 25 (go 75 if you can) for Asdrubal and see if we can knock out...eh, who am I kidding, if Jeter loses, they'll probably find some reason to give it to him anyway.

Designated Hitter: Papi's a lock, but don't forget to give him your 25.

Outfield: Jacoby Ellsbury is a mere 120,000 votes behind the Drug Czar, Josh Hamilton. This is the other very important one. Vote Ellsbury, and pick two other dudes who are NOT named Josh Hamilton. We will get this done.