Dear People Who Are At Work And Somehow Need Me To Tell You What's Happening In The Game,

Bottom 1: Drew leads off with a triple that almost clears the fence in dead center at the batter's eye. Then a walk. Then two strikeouts. Then another walk. So with bases loaded, two out, Jed knocks in two with a soft single to right. 2-0 Red Sox in the second. This post will update BELOW.

12:20: Bottom 3--Jed knocks in another run with a solid single. This guy's in a desperate attempt to get his average ABOVE 1.000. 3-0 Sox after 3.

12:41: One-hitter for Dice-K (whose name means "pine hill," I found out today) through 5 innings. Still 3-0 us.

12:47: Lowrie is incredible. He just hit one into the Monster Seats for a 2-run dong, 5-0 Sox, still in the 5th.

1:11: Earlier, Youk hit one that bounced off the top of the fence in right field and came back in for a double. Just now, he hit one over the fence at the same spot. Two-run dong. 7-0 in the 6th, Dice still pitching a one-hitter.

1:14: Lowrie gets hits fourth hit of the day, and then Crawford gets his first, a Wall-ball double, and it's 8-0.

1:31: Ellsbury with another big homer to the Triangle-end of the Sox bullpen. 9-0 in the 7th, Dice still twirling a gemstone.

1:56: Wakefield pitches the ninth. Gives up a solo dong. But we still win 9-1. Great job by Dice today. I guess that fucker Pete Abe was dead fucking wrong to say "putting him in a game is counterproductive to winning." What a dumb shit. Give me his job, I'll do it ten times better, and I'll request a mere quarter of his salary.