Know what I don't like? Soccer. Some people don't like it because it's not "American." I think for me it's because I just don't like kickin' stuff. Or being told I can't use my hands! Can you imagine a word without hands? You couldn't play whack-a-mole, or make guacamole. Pie-eating contests would remain the same--I'll grant you that. But how would we masturbate? And then imagine while desperately trying to whack moles without any hands that the person trying to stop you WAS allowed to use his hands. That ain't no kinda life for me, Royal.

If I could change soccer, I'd cut the field in half. Then in half again. I'd disallow kicking. No feet! The game would stop when the clock runs out. The sidelines would matter. The ball would be softball-sized. No offsides, if they have that. No goal keepers. Then I'd give up and play baseball.

Now recently you may have noticed this thing called the World Cup, along with a soccer game at Fenway Park. I'm not gonna tell you I gave the sport an honest chance--but I did watch a little. A verrrry little. I ignored the WC as much as I could, shit-eating-grinning when the U.S. tied that anticipated game against the Brits (are their backup players called the UK Subs?), because it meant all the people that got suckered in to the thing ended up with what soccer games always seem to end in--a tie. Then I rooted against the U.S. some more just so it would go away. But they lost and it didn't go away. Now obviously I rooted for my mom and dad's respective Peace Corps countries. Cameroon fell short and Uruguay almost went all the way...but, still, I wasn't watching at all. Not one second. My dad told me that one match was one of the greatest sporting events of all time---this coming from the man who raised me to hate soccer. So maybe there was this amazing stuff going on, but to me it looked like nothing more than a surveillance camera of the Great Lawn in the summer: a bunch of humans on grass, some occasionally moving, and a sphere rolling slowly along the ground. Well, it would have if I had watched.

Then the final game came. It was a weekend day, and I was sitting at home. It was the second half, and I thought, Okay, I'll put it on the TV and do other stuff, and at the very least, I'll get to see a team become a world champion, and it could be a last-second (but we wouldn't know when that last second is because soccer is so incredibly stupid) win. And that might be cool, because I kinda like sports and games after all.

And it really did come down to the final moments! And finally, with almost (we presume) no time left, a goal! But guess what?! I was completely unmoved! I don't even think the crowd noticed! I sat there with a straight face like I was watching a documentary on Nothing.

So you might say I didn't gave soccer a fair chance, but if "world championship-winning goal in final seconds" didn't do it for me, I don't know what would.

Then Wednesday night, I had to tune in to NESN to see what Fenway looked like with a soccer field on it. I hated that our infield was green! And the mound was gone! But hey, it would still be cool to see, I thought--you could put the camera on the right field roof by first base, get that exact high angle you need, and the backdrop of the Green Monster would be awesome. But what does NESN do? The use the center field camera-well! Facing the first base dugout! So the average person wouldn't even know it was Fenway at all! I guess they decided they'd rather have fans in the background--but I'm thinkin' their main reasoning was the convenience of using the cameras where they already were. But you know what? They still could have given us stunning views of Fenway. But no. It was almost as if they were trying to avoid showing us anything that might let the viewer know the game was being played at Fenway Park. The thing started with the ref and players ceremoniously walking onto the field. Yet the angle showed the home plate field boxes in the background--the whole time as they slowwwly walked out. Get that goddamn camera behind them so we can see them walking toward the Green Monster! So that's not soccer's fault, it's NESN's. It should have been their job to make people try to like soccer, but with me having just gone through a World Cup that did nothing but solidly reinforce my pure indifference to this boring sport, they only completely slammed the door shut on it. And I quickly switched to Sanford and Son. And I don't even like Sanford and Son.

So, yeah, soccer fans might tell me I'm threatened by it, I don't understand all the intricacies of a 0-0 tie, or that I'm somehow xenophobic (I'm the type of guy who wears a CCCP jersey on the 4th of July so let's not walk down that boulevard), but I think in the end, I just happen not to like it. And I'm fine with it existing, I just won't watch. As usual.