Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Bustin' Makes Me Feel Good

I feel like I've finally found the one thing that perfectly illustrates why I hate all things Yankees. At some point toward the end of the old Yankee Stadium's run, my longtime arch-enemy Michael Kay piled bullshit on bullshit by claiming that it's okay that the Yankees are moving to a new stadium, because, "Hey, who said ghosts can't travel?" Hardy har har, asswipe. Between then and now, though, this "sentiment" has grown among those whose brains have yet to fully develop. I remember being pissed when some announcer mentioned it during the ALDS, because I knew that meant a lot of people were hearing it, and, therefore, it might go to the next level. I kept meaning to write about it but I never did. Well, now I have to, because I just heard about this, a movie in production about the "ghosts moving across the street" "theory." Here I go:

Okay. Let's see what we've got here. Yankee Stadium--the old one, which, for argument's sake, we'll say was the same building before and after the mid-70s renovation--was an historic place. Many baseball stars played there; many classic events happened there. That is reality. Now let's say, just for fun, that all the legends who played there really did remain in the building after their deaths, in the form of floating ghosts, eschewing their chance at "heaven" in favor of magically willing the Yankees to victory, but only some of the time, while at other times letting them collapse horribly. Great. Sure. We'll say that really happened because it's a representation. Mentioning "ghosts" simply referred to the fact that the building involved is very old, and was the scene for baseball history as it unfolded. That's the reality. The ghosts are the representation of it.

Now...having given them all of that, knowing full well as an intelligent person that not one game in that god-forsaken stadium was ever really affected by the "spirit" of dead guys who'd played there before, let's think about this new "ghost theory":

It's a new stadium. The old one is gone. The New York Yankees play in a different place than the one where all the legends played. Their new stadium is one year old. The "ghosts," which, while not actual translucent, winged versions of dead men in pinstriped jammies, do represent history, don't exist in a one-year old building because there's no history yet!

For these, pardon my observance, ass holes to pretend, for no other reason than "because they want to," that they've just built a hundred-year old stadium shows you the egos we're dealing with.

I'm sitting here forced to argue over the mobile capabilities of ghosts. Not, mind you, the existence of ghosts, but whether or not these living dead baseball players-cum-magicians can relocate. That's how far Yankee fans have come. "We know dead guys are flying around--I just wonder how far they can fly, and if their mystical powers will still work in their new locale."

Just admit your stadium is about the same age as the one the Washington Nationals have. I know it kills you to say it, but the Yankees and Nationals are equal in that respect. The Nationals fans don't go around saying, "Hey, a bunch of really awesome baseball players who died have been hanging around somewhere and when we built this new ballpark, they all came here from there, and you better watch out when your team plays here, because said ghosts (who, again, are really good at baseball and, conveniently, magic) will be pushing home runs over the fence to make our side win. It's not the fact that the goddamn fence is 20 feet closer than we say it is or that we play the fucking Mets six times a year while nobody else in our league does or the fact that we have a zillion motherfucking dollars--it's the GHOSTS. Who are breaking every rule in the ghost book by haunting a ONE YEAR FUCKING OLD BUILDING.)"

The only ghosts that have the right to haunt that place are the ghosts of the kids who are dead because the public park they built the stadium over is gone and they turned to a life of crime and got killed by some drug dealer.

Well dude, if you're going to have a "longtime arch-enemy", it might as well be Michael Kay.

Your second-to-last paragraph is a (haunting?) scream.

...--it's the GHOSTS. Who are breaking every rule in the ghost book by haunting a ONE YEAR FUCKING OLD BUILDING.


Thanks Jere. Have a Merry Christmas.
Thanks--you too.
In all fairness, Nats Park IS metro accessible from old whether Frank Howard's fat ass can fit in the new Nat's Park is another question...but with all the empty seats there most nights, it's entirely possible. So, I guess the question is this: can ghosts take public transportation? Are they even willing to do that?
What if the player played for more than one team? Does he split his time haunting each stadium in turn? Why do the Yankees automatically get all the haunting rights? Shouldn't the Babe be spending some time at old Braves Stadium messing with some college games?
Even this Yankee fan hates all the "ghosts" talk. You would think that it would have stopped on October 20, 2004 (Mickey Mantle's birthday, I might add.)
The only ghosts that have the right to haunt that place are the ghosts of the kids who are dead because the public park they built the stadium over is gone and they turned to a life of crime and got killed by some drug dealer.

THAT is priceless. You are sick in all the right ways!

ps - I will miss milk dud's attempts at fielding.
Yankee fan here.

Dude, nobody REALLY believes in the ghosts, just like nobody REALLY believed in the curse of the Bambino.

Did the Babe really come down in ghostly form and help A-Rod hit his game-tying blasts in the playoffs? Of course not. Is it fun and romantic to imagine that he did? Yes. But it's just for fun. That doesn't mean it's real.

The reason the Yankees do this and other franchises don't is that the Yankees have been very sucessful and it's romantic to imagine that the ghosts of Yankees past are helping out. That's all. We all know it's not real. It's just for fun.

As for the movie, well, it's just a movie that's catered to Yankee fans. It's not real either.
People are kind of missing the point of this post. In it, I give you that ghosts ARE real just to make the point that the new Yankee Stadium doesn't have them because it was just built.

Instead of saying, Yup, we have this new stadium, it's awesome, we love it, etc., Yankee fans have to pretend their team still plays in an historic park. Which they don't. It's a year old with one year of history, and even if haunting were real, no one is doing any because nobody's even left yet, let alone died.

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