Thursday, July 03, 2008

Swept By Crap

I was all pissed off and about to write a long post about my pissed-off-ed-ness, but then I got a laugh.

After writing on Joy of Sox that I hope DeWayne Staats "gets hit by a car twice," an anonymous commenter went to my Dirty Water blog and asked if my publisher knows that I go around spouting threats of violence and that that's "illegal" and "taken seriously." Hahaha. Hoping someone gets hit by a car twice DOES NOT constitute a "threat of violence." I can hope the president gets hit by a car twice, and I can shout it from the top of the Tropicana Dome. I only hope my publisher is aware of the pride I take in my right to completely non-threatening freedom of speech. As well as my comic stylings (that's where the "twice" comes in--if you REALLY want someone to get injured, one car would suffice, get it?) I'm wondering if the person thought, since I spoke of "hoping the Devil Rays come to Fenway in October" (meaning to get their asses beat in the playoffs), followed by the car thing, that I'm somehow waiting with my car at Fenway Park to run over DeWayne Staats when he arrives.

I also have the right to call the Rays by their TRUE name, the DEVIL Rays, without ever having to pay a fine. Devil Rays. Devil Rays. Devil Rays. Devil Rays. Devil Rays.

Anyway, what got me really pissed was the few bars of Sweet Caroline that played after the shitty Devil Rays swept us. I just don't get it. Why do they want us for a rival? We're not a hate-able team. We went 86 years without a title. Now we've won two in four years. If they're looking for the team that's won on average every four years for the last hundred, they're looking in the wrong place. Is it the Sox fans in their park? Is it our fault that the Devil Rays fans, should they exist, never showed up until the team was good? And that we were loyal enough fans to go all the way down there just to root of our team? EVEN WHEN THEY HADN'T WON IN 86 YEARS? They should learn something about loyalty from that. Worry about your own lack of passion, and if you need an enemy, the Yanks are right there waiting. All the Red Sox did was finally beat the Yanks in the coolest fashion, to the delight of sane people everywhere, all while being the fun-lovingest team ever.

I mean, let's take the '92-'93 Blue Jays. They won two in a row. I don't remember going to Fenway and seeing the Sox play the Jays and thinking, We MUST beat the Jays! They're our "rival"!!! Let's mock them by playing a song from their stadium!!! I mean who the fuck cares, right? As long as the Yanks aren't winning, everything's jake.

This is like in the early 90s, when my Nebraska Huskers used to kick the crap out of Colorado every year. Finally, Colorado "decided" that we were their "rival." And you know what happened? We still kicked their asses tear after year.

And so that's how I started hating the Devil Rays. Screw 'em. Dead to me. I had been excited to see them finish ahead of the Yanks, especially since the Steinbrenners are based in Tampa. And I'll still root for them against the Yanks, of course. But if they wanna be dicks, we're gonna have to treat 'em like dicks....or something. No mercy. Like I said in my "threat" comment: I hope they have to play us in October.

And I hope Eric Wilbur appreciates Fenway a little more after watching the last three games. Cowbells, catwalks, and carpet. Now THAT's baseball, right?

But more about winning and the hatred that often accompanies it. I'm an underdog fan. A lot of people are. And a lot of teams that win a lot are gonna be hated by us underdog fans. But my god, I still judge the team based on what they are. The Lakers of a few years ago--Shaq, Kobe...screw 'em. But the '86 Bears--sunglasses, headbands, anti-authority shit. As a 10 year old, I ate that stuff up. The '78 Yanks? Pure evil. The '79 "We Are Family" Pirates? Fun!

Of course, some franchises build up a legacy of hatred. The Cowboys, Notre Dame, the Yanks. Are the Red Sox one of those type teams? Not unless we win ten more championships in the next 30 years or something. And still, it was often said about those 90s Yankees teams that "you can't hate THESE Yankees" and that they "weren't your father's Yankees" and that because Joe Torre wasn't the son of the devil, we somehow weren't supposed to hate them. While I happened to think this was a load of utter bullshit, people still said it. So the '04-'07 Red Sox--come on! We're a likeable bunch with no history of winning all the time that the Yanks have. So I don't get it. The Cubs--what am I supposed to do about them? Am I supposed to love them, love them, love them, and then BOOM, right when they win, start hating them? I don't think so. They haven't won in 100 years--what's hate-able about that, even if they win the next three? And if suddenly Cubs fans are filling Fenway Park, well, I'll know that's our own damn fault for not BUYING TICKETS TO OUR OWN PARK, which is what all these other teams should be doing.

I blame society. Like I was talking about recently, people only seem to remember what JUST happened. So in these other-baseball-team fans' minds, the Red Sox do win all the time. So I got Yankee fans in one ear tellin' me we're down 26 to 7, and Devil Rays fans in the other tellin' me we always win and they never win. And I have commenters telling me that when I talk about the Yanks, I'm obsessed with them and I should care about my own team, but when I talk about my own team, I'm accused of being "center of the universe"-ish.

And just to throw another dick-wrench into my shitty night, the Yanks have a classic Yankee win. I mean, seriously, if you wanna see the average Yankee game for the last thirty years, go to and watch the archived game. I'm talkin' loading the bases on no hits, and then scoring a run on a walk. Bloop broken bat doubles. Inning-ending double plays botched by the other team. The other team finally getting the lead but then putting some guy who looks like a Muppet version of Chucky on the mound who'd never pitched before, with no one warming behind him, and watching him implode. At that point, the Yanks actually had 6 runs on 4 hits, but they finally broke through against the minor league Muppet, winning, I don't know, 35-7 or something. If you think I'm exaggerating about how the Yanks got their runs (up until they pulled away off Chucky McMuppet), watch the game.

So....Devil Rays, you asked for it. If you're still around at the end, you're goin' down. We have this guy called Papi who usually plays, too.

Now we go on to The Bronx. We can't possibly keep having the tying run up or on base in the ninth and barely lose AGAIN...right?

Edited to add: I just saw a highlight of Rays fans holding up a sign saying "Red Sox Nation has been overtaken." Sar cas tic slow clap... having more of your own fans in your own park is what you're supposed to do, stupid. I meant to mention this earlier, but why isn't NESN pointing out to the casual fan that it's a weekday series? I think we have as many fans as we always do on a mid-week July series in Tampa--it's just that the Devil Rays fans are filling in the 20,000 seat that are normally empty anyway. And besides, from what I saw on TV, the crowd was STILL seemingly all wearing red. If the Rays bring 100 fans to Fenway next time they play us up here, then we'll be impressed.

PS. I guarantee you DeWayne Staats hopes Red Sox fans get hit by cars twice every day...

I hate the Devils, too. But what an implosion by Little Manny and Hansen. 4-1, six outs (or five) until "Pap's time," but noooo.
Thanks know why, and have an incredible holiday weekend. I'll be in touch after the weekend, Jere. And boy, does HANKIE have a BIG mouth. I hope we can shut it. Firmly.
Do you know the comedian Louis C.K.? He does a bit about his friend text messaging him that he's on a plane, and louis, annoyed, says he hopes the plane crashes, and when the friend says to take that back, louis says he hopes the plane crashes, half the people die, just so the plane can crash again and get the other half.

just thought i'd point that out.
"Is it the Sox fans in their park?"

I think it might be the obnoxious, drunk, trash-talking frat boy subsection of Sox fans in their park. Unfortunately, there's too many of those folks showing up in rival ballparks these days...I've seen it firsthand in Baltimore, and, amazingly, in Yankee Stadium. Don't get me wrong, playing Sweet Caroline was still truly a dick move by a Mickey Mouse organization. And I have no problem at all with the fact that there are so many Sox fans in general everywhere and that we show up so well wherever the team plays...the majority of them are just there to watch their team and enjoy the baseball. But we definitely have a much larger 'jerk' population in our fanbase in recent years, and if I were an Oriole/Ray/Whatever fan trying to root for my own team in their home ballpark and had to deal w/some of the jerks, I'd probably develop a hatred for the Sox too.

This series in the Bronx is looking pretty ugly the way the Sox are playing these days; no bullpen, Tek turning into a corpse before our very eyes, Manny slumping, Lugo just being Lugo. My wife wanted to take me to tomorrow's game in the Bronx as a birthday gift, but I decided to pass. I'm buying a pair of tix to the All-Star game at face value from a Yankee Fan w/season tickets; I think that'll be a better event for my final visit to that place.
On another subject...

A couple of weeks ago my wife and I took a vacation in the Bay area; weekend in San Francisco followed by four days in Sonoma/Napa. We went to the Sunday Giants/A's game at Pac Bell/ATT/Whatever Park (gorgeous stadium, by the way), and before the game decided to have brunch at Youks' brother Scott's restaurant, Maverick, down in the Mission. The impetus for this, of course, was your link to his Foodies Digest blog. So thanks for the heads-up, Jere. The food was fantastic, although it was such a small place that they couldn't seat us in time before the game; we needed to order take-out and eat on the bench outside the restaurant. I wanted to poke my head in the kitchen afterward and yell "YOUK!!!"

You've also made me a big Five Bucks Til Friday fan.
I was at 2 of the 3 games at the Trop. After a really hot shower and a tetanus shot, I think that I may have finally removed the stench of St.Pete and their fair-weathered fans out of my body. These D'Ray fans are the most pathetic excuse for baseball fans that I've ever seen. Cowbells?? Maybe if you're going to the rodeo, not for major league baseball. Let's see how die hard their fans are this weekend when 10,000 of them show up for the Kansas City series. These idiots need Sox fans just to keep them in business.
As for Staats and Magrane, it needs to be 3 hits... minimum. I hate those bastards.
Soxlosophy: I have known of him for seemingly decades, but only when Chan showed me his HBO special (the one with "bag o' dicks" did I realize how funny he is. I also saw some of his HBO sitcom--in which he wears a Sox T-shirt sometimes. Anyway, that is a funny story. Hoping IS allowed.

AJM: thanks for your thoughts. As far as $5/2F, I think they found me first, and I found them through their finding me.

Dave: Amen, brother.

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