Jane Heller is an embarrassment to humankind. She's a novelist who recently wrote the above-linked piece for the New York Times, claiming that she is "divorcing" the Yankees.

My mom told us about this travesty yesterday as we waited on Yawkey Way to get into Fenway Park. My girlfriend asked, "what's she gonna do if the Yanks start doing well again?" I joked, "she'll get right back on board."

I've read the article now, and, of course, I was right about that.

Here's the deal: This woman decided that since the Yanks aren't doing well, she isn't going to like them any more. Two bad months. That's all it takes for these people.

I'm so glad this article was published. Maybe some neutral baseball fans will see why Red Sox fans (and fans of every other team) are better than Yankee fans. I've been saying this about them my whole life, and now one of them has come out and solidified it.

If you want to denounce the Yanks, go ahead. Do it. You'd be bettering your life. If you think they have too much money, if you think they're boring, if you don't want to be associated with the criminal, George Steinbrenner, fine. I'm all for that. But this lady can't stand to root for them any more, because they're not doing well. Remember, this is a team that's made the playoffs for the last twelve seasons. They get off to a bad start, and she's off the bandwagon!

She claims she's "heartbroken" and talks about the "pain." She says "it hurts. It really hurts."

Boo fucking hoo.

Every single Red Sox fan under the age of 89 went their whole life, until three years ago, without knowing what it was like to win the World Series. But we always came back the next year. "This is the year," we'd say. This nearly 60 year old woman has gone a mere six years without that feeling. Six years in which her team still made the playoffs every time. That plus two months of crappiness, and she's done. What a weak, weak, soul.

I've said it before: any person who lives a pathetic life, who "can't win," who's desperate for attention, will latch on to the Yankees. You get 26 championships, and the right to pick on everyone else. You go from worst to first: "I am a winner." Is every Yankee fan like this? Of course not. But most people like this aren't gonna become Brewers fans. Where would that get them?

Red Sox fans know that you don't always get what you want in life. Sometimes you fall flat on your face. Sometimes you do it a step from the finish line. But you get off your ass and you try again.

Heller says on her website that she visits people with terminal illness. (And notes how she gets a good feeling from it--I'm guessing that's the main reason she volunteers, to make herself feel better. The worst kind of volunteer.) I'd hate to hear what she tells these people: "Oh, you've got cancer? Give up now!"

She claims she's going to be a Devil Rays fan (one of her reasons: they're cute!). Of course, she mentions how if the Yanks start playing well again, she jump right back on the bandwagon. (Message to true Yankee fans if that does happen: lock arms and DO NOT LET HER BACK ON.) But what does she really want from the Rays? Like she says, a pressure-free existence. The fact that she's not fully closing the door on the Yanks means she's just giving herself a break. Call it "rooting for the Devil Rays" if you like, but it's no different that "giving up." For now. If she can't survive six non-World Champion years as a Yankee fan, she'll commit suicide after three months of the Rays.

Oh, and Jane? While you've been writing shitty "beach novels,' we actual baseball fans have read about ten million articles comparing baseball fandom to interpersonal relationships. Doing that is like, well, it's like picking the team with the most championships to be your favorite.

I'm also wondering--no, screw that, I know exactly when she started really liking the Yanks: 1996. She says in her bullshit piece:

When I first fell in love with the Yankees, players knew how to bunt. They knew how to get runners over and get ’em in

She was born in 1950. The earliest age for the average person to really get into baseball is about 10. (For me, it was at age one, but I'm weird.) The early 60s Yankees would've been borderline for her to have been "in love" with. The late 70s clubs were more of a grind-it-out squad. The team she's talking about has to be the Knoblauchian NL-style small ball Yanks of the late 90s. She is the classic frontrunner. The kind I grew up surrounded by. Again, I am so happy to see a Yankee "fan" prove why I always put "fan" in quotes when referring to them.

Let me sum up her article:

"I grew up in New York State, so I always knew that any time the Yankees were good, I had the right to suddenly start rooting for them, acting like I did all along. I only enjoy watching baseball when my team is in the championship, and about to win it. In the late 90s, the Yankees got this cute guy named Jeter, and my friends would point out to me every October that the Yanks were on the verge of winning it all. Fun! I partied a lot, knowing my team was the best. Lately, I'd go to the bar in October, but the Yanks would lose, sometimes before even making it to the finals. What's that about? This year, they dropped to last place. I wouldn't want to be associated with a team like that, so I'm giving up. But I'm hoping one of these Octobers, my friends will call up and tell me the Yanks are in the Super Bowl again!"

Tell her what you think of her here. You, too, real Yankee fans!