When are the Red Sox going to admit that The Police will be playing Fenway Park in July? Tickets are going on sale Tuesday. Everybody knows it. Where's the story? Ever since these concerts at Fenway started happening, I've been waiting for a band to play that I liked even just a little bit, just so I could go and be on the field at Fenway, while maybe enjoying two or three mainstream hits and then calling for the band to play them again and just forget about the "new stuff." I guess The Police are kind of close--I mean, I like every other one of their radio hits. Still, I don't think I'm gonna do it.

I usually get a letter in the mail for being a season ticket holder (if only for 10/81sts of the games) giving me the opportunity to buy concert tickets before everyone else. This time, maybe it's an entirely ticketmaster-ed event. Whatever. Why am I even talking about this? I'm totally not going. Fuck The Police and Jere said it with authority.

I've decided the only band I like that's "big" enough to play Fenway that would have any chance of doing so is the Beastie Boys. I wouldn't bet on it, though.

You know the top story on CNN last hour was "Britney Spears shaves head"? Canada here I come. I thought it was a great move by the anchor who followed up the first anchor's Spears story with a completely straight-faced "And now for some real news..."

The official "reporter who blogs on the side" of ARSFIPT, Amalie 3000, continues to give us real-life, "hey, check this out"-style news from Ft. Myers over on Extra Bases. I decided that if 3000 was a dude, I'd be jealous. Like, "Hey, what the eff? I could do that! He's just hanging out with the team, and telling us what's going on without pretention, I could (and often do) do that! I irrationally hate him! He's probably "cute," too! Screw him forever." But, 3000 is female. So, whatever, she's no threat to us in the "male, thinks they're funny, young but old enough to remember Jim Rice as a player, writes about the Red Sox and seems to genuinely enjoy it and wants them to win" demographic. But you female Sox bloggers--you should be jealous! You can do that! All they had to do was ask you!

It seems Kevin Youkilis has a huge, dark goatee now. I for one am happy about this. I don't know how to explain this without making every molecule in your body explode at the speed of light, but I like it when Red Sox players make cosmetic adjustments that "the ladies" don't like. Clement's beard, Bronsons rows, Schilling's, I don't know, he did something to his hair once... they're always met with "lose that, it doesn't look good." And, I don't know, as a dude, sometimes I do weird stuff with my hair or facial hair just for the hell of it, and I hate to think that people are talking about me behind my back. So, maybe that's it. Maybe it's just that I can relate to not being the Barry Zito of the bunch, so when I hear a female say that some dude is not good-looking in whatever way, I suddenly can relate to that dude. And that makes me feel good, because said dude is on the Red Sox. Hence, Jere=Red Sox player. The dream is alive, children. Now to work on that knuckle ball...