Thursday, January 11, 2007

Travesties Abound

As pissed off as I am about Bush and his illegal war and all the people dying for no reason, there can't be anything more disgusting than the New York Yankees. I'm home for lunch today, and as I type, I'm watching the Andy Pettitte news conference. "Here, Andy, here's your number 46 that we immediately gave to Donovan Osborne after you left. Welcome home!"

And they've got my buddy Michael "Backwards" Kay doing the narrating from off to the side. (At least they kept him away from the podium.) He sounds like a golf announcer: "Andy's putting on the pinstriped jersey and the midnight blue hat with interlocking NY."

Now Andy tells us that god put him in Houston for a few years. I thought it was Steinbrenner not giving a shit about "doing what it takes to win" and letting his ass go, but maybe I was reading it wrong. God does wacky things. (He seems to really spend a lot of time on athletes, too!)

Ooh, Andy just admitted what I just wrote: "There may have been times when Mr. Steinbrenner wanted to move me on, and Mr. Torre and Mr. Stottlemyre stood up for me, but we've got a great relationship..." So maybe god told George to do that. I think I've got it all figured out.

Okay, let's bring out the solid gold horse so Andy can ride off to his mansion.

"When we come back, we will talk to the man of the hour, Andrew Eugene Pettitte..." --Michael Kay

Hello, stomach bile. Nice to meetcha.

Actually, this will work out nicely. When I'm at that protest tonight, I'll have a constant stream of Yankee-induced vomit spewing from my mouth. That'll be a nice display of how I feel about the added troops.

I thought it was Pettitte's wife who put him in Houston after she found out he was having an affair in New York?

And was it Satan who put him on the DL for most of his first season in Houston?

Remember his 'Power for Living' commercials in the late '90's? I tried to find it on YouTube, to no avail. I did find a local Houston commercial that he did with Clemens, but I spared you the link.
I didn't want to bring up the affair, since I on't have proof, but that could've had something to do with the move as well. Plus wanting to be with his kids--who he says "screw you!" to by now moving away from them again.

I totally remember the commercial. I'll never forget him talking about "my personal relationship with god." And the way the g sounded like a c. Like he had a personal relationship with fish.

I'm still waiting for the day there's an athlete who's truly a devil-worshipper. I think that would be hilarious. And he'd bring it up in interviews: "I know god was on the pitcher's side, and god always calls for the fastball on 3-2. Satan spoke to me and said he heard through his demonic spies that god was planning to switch it up. So I looked curve and wailed away. I owe it all to Satan."

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Location: Rhode Island, United States