Monday, December 18, 2006

Male Bovine Dung

[If you're looking for Dick in a Box, click here.]

From Ian Browne's current "mailbag" on

I am planning on going to Spring Training. I would like to know what the date is of the first day of Spring Training.
-- Dave O., New Bedford, Mass.

Is this fishy to anyone else? This guy is internet-savvy enough to know how to get to Ian Browne's mailbag on, but doesn't know when spring training starts? To know how to get to the mailbag, you must be pretty familiar with the team site. Did he not see the headlines? "Spring Training Info HERE". "Spring Training HUGE Deal Nowadays". "Get Your Spring Training Tickets By Clicking Here, This Means You, Dave O., We Know You Want To Come Down".

I mean, my god, look at your tickets, man. The date of the game you're going to should be provided, possibly toward the top of the ticket. Possibly in bold print. Maybe a good answer to this would start, "Dude, if you don't know..."

Okay, maybe he just wanted the actual date when players start arriving. (Again, it's reported ad nauseum on the very site where he found the mailbag and figured out how to send in his question.) But even in that case, does the guy just go down to check out the workouts? The pitcher covering first over and over? And he was waiting, hoping against hope that his question, one of thousands, I'm sure, gets answered soon enough for him to book hotel and airline reservations?

Doesn't make sense. Either way, it's good to see something online about New Bedford that doesn't involve shooting up a bar. Maybe the town board paid off Ian Browne to let the world see that there are some very, very innocent people in New Beige.

Now on to the next question. Billy Q. from Waco, Texas writes...

[Update, 12/19: I had looked at the Yankees' mailbag to see if the "spring training guy" had been planted in all the mailbags. Nothing there, but then I came across this by chance when doing a news search. From

When do the Phillies arrive at Bright House Networks Field and start playing Spring Training games?
-- Robert B., Carbondale, Pa., and Largo, Fla.

Oh! Getting creative with the town names over there. "It must be a real letter! Who would say they're from two towns unless they really were?" And I like how this perfectly real person conveniently mentioned the exact, full name of the park. That really worked out for the Phils.]

It's definitely a conspiracy. This is all Fairhaven at work, trust me. I know that this small town despises its neighbor (New Bedford) and goes to great lengths to prove just how stupid/dirty/dangerous* New Bedford is. It's all a great big scheme to distinguish itself. The Foxy Lady, location of the recent shooting, is, in fact, in Fairhaven. There's been some palm greasin', for sure! But, see, most of the Commonwealth hasn't even heard of Fairhaven, so it is easy to just add the junk to the junk pile, if you know what I'm sayin.

So, this "Dave O" is probably some guy in Fairhaven trying to play the whole "NB is clueless" message.

*This is not to say that New Bedford isn't stupid/dirty/dangerous.
When somebody doesn't get shot at the Foxy Lady, then write me a newspaper article about it...

And Billy Q. said, "What's the big deal about this new pitcher? I mean, come on, they don't even speak English in China..."

Nice touch with "China."
"'Topes win!!!"
Like asking "What Time Is Midnight Mass":

Feb 15th is when Pitchers & Catchers report.
Yeah, I mean, it's roughly then every year. Some teams are the 15th. Sox are 16th, actually. The point remains the same.

Also, I will add an update to this post that I just found out.

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