Thursday, November 02, 2006

Jeter Wins Gold Glove

This morning, Derek Jeter woke up and was given the Chevy Wakey Wakey Award for best-smelling AM Pee, as determined by fans.

He went downstairs for breakfast, where he was presented with the Fast Break Award, for his dilligence in consuming three eggs over easy. Reporters from each major league city overlooked the fact that two of the eggs fell on the floor, but cited his general overall egg leadership.

As he headed over to the gym for his workout, Derek tripped over his shoelaces, which he'd tied together (ironically just a day after winning the Hallmark Best Shoe-Tie Award). Upon righting himself, he was lauded by fans and media alike with the iMac Presents American Recovery of the Year Award, unanimously taking both the fan and media vote.

After accidentally dropping this award into an open manhole cover, after straying into a restricted area--a move that garnered the shortstop the M&M/Mars Chocolate Thunder Out of Bounds Prize--the village of tiny rodent-men that lived in the manhole bestowed upon Derek the Raid Underground Player of the Year Trophy. Miguel Tejada's handmade system of decorative pipes for his Santo Domingo mansion surprisingly didn't win over any votes. "I was going to give my vote to Tejada, actually," said a Sacramento Bee rodent-man reporter, "but at the last second, Derek Jeter showed us all what it's like to be a leader when he dropped that other trophy down the manhole."

You can take it from there. "Manhole" can provide a nice segue, should you choose to use it.

Absolutely poetic disapprobation, Jere. Your point, as ever, is well made and right on the mark.

I heard there were going to be auditions for the privilege of becoming Jeter's hagiographer, but it had to be cancelled: so many writers and broadcasters showed up, there was no one left to cover any other sporting events in New York.
very funny, jere. but we all know he couldn't have done ANY of it without Posada.
If only Gonzo had played more games at short, or games period. Showing off his game saving theatrics day after day. Then justice would have been done.
If Jeter had commited an act of Public Flatulence, would he receive the "Keyspan Energy Award" for new sources of Natural Gas?
Jeter would make a play, then jump into the stands:

Perhaps to meet with his f-friend of the night?

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