Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Syd Finch For Josh Beckett

Folks, you don't even realize just what a genius Theo Epstein is. You think you do, but you don't. I'm about to blow your mind.

Josh Beckett is one of the best young pitchers in the game today. The Red Sox, pending physicals, have obtained him for some minor-leaguers. You may have heard that the Marlins are forced to get rid of players. That may be true. In fact, at the end of the offseason, we very well may be saying, "The Red Sox got Beckett, but the yankees got the rest of the Marlins."

But that's just a front. The Marlins really just wanted so badly to get Hanley Ramirez, that they gave up a huge pitcher to get him.

Now, you're probably saying, "But Guy Who Writes Stuff Sometimes, what does this have to do with the genius of Theo?"

Well, you see, Hanley Ramirez is not a baseball player. He may not even be human for that matter. He is some type of creature, whether built by Theo in his laboratory, or found on the streets of Boston wandering aimlessly. He is a myth and a legend. Created by Theo Epstein.

Theo knew he was leaving the GM job eventually. But he loves the Red Sox so much, that he spent much of his time on Yawkey Way shaping and molding this "Hanley Ramirez" player. He knew to play up the legend year after year, as an insurance policy. Because one day Theo would be gone, and the poor schlub who would take over would have to do something. So Theo figured, "At least the new person will have this solid chunk of gold at his disposal."

Sure enough, Theo leaves, and [mystery GM] immediately turns gold into, well, gold. Fool's gold into real gold, if you will.

Think about it. Remember when Hanley got a few at bats last season? Did he even swing? Of course not. If he's a human, he doesn't know how to hit a baseball. And if he's a robot, they wouldn't want to risk him shorting out in front of everyone while attempting to make him swing a bat via remote control. It's not like playing a video game. You have to know how to work the Theo-tron 7800.

And come on, "Hanley"? Have you ever met a Latin person named Hanley? Or any person, for that matter? And don't you think it's quite a coincidence that the guy's name RHYMED with "Manny Ramirez"? When inventing a superstar, you need to come up with a memorable, unique name, while bringing to mind other nearby superstars. Everyone knows that. Whose name was Jordan before Michael? And the initials, MJ, brought to mind Magic Johnson. Same with John Elway. It's the John from Johnny Unitas, combined with a completely made up last name that no one else has ever had before or since.

I'm thinking these wacky robot-superstar names are anagrams.

In fact, in the history of the Red Sox, until 2002, they Had Acquired Nothing Like Epstein's Youth. HANLEY.

I'm telling you, whatever you've read, don't believe it. Hanley has never swung a bat, never put on a glove, never played in a minor league game. You could've told the Marlins he was a SIX-tool player, and they'd believe it, without even going through the tool list and realizing it's only five items long.

If you were a GM, would you have made a trade for Hanley? Of course you would, you're not an idiot. But have you ever seen him play? No. Because he's just a figment of your imagination. Like the Wizard of Oz, or WMD. But people went to great lenghts trying to find those. In other words, they just assumed they were real.

Somewhere, Theo is smiling. The World Series ring is nothing compared to achieving complete mind-control.

End fake story.

But in all seriousness, if the deal goes down, I'll miss Hanley, he seemed cool. And he's the subject of one of my favorite baseball pics I've ever taken. I never posted it until now:

Alas, Hanley, we knew ye better than anyone else we've hardly known.

Hi Jere. You know what, you hit something right on the head. I'd been thinking that there would be no way for Hanley to live up to the greatness already deeded to him by Theo. Just the fact that other teams ( alright Marlins!!) bought into it is, as you said, a tremendous use of what we call mind manipulation (MM). And you picked up on it like a fish to a baited hook. Hats off to you, and thanks for visiting my blog, in its infancy while yours is in its prime. I bow from the waist and say no more suckin' up. A relucted W, because you lumped me and my letter assigned by you to our Prez. Any semblance between he and I is not appreciated, and I know that's NOT how you meant it. SO my W can dissappear. I don't even want to share a letter with that DOLT. You can just refer to me as 10, if that suits ya. Take care. You're one of the good guys, and Chan's film was great. Broadband recommended for loading purposes. And with that I say 10.
Whoa, there, P-10, Chan's film?? Chan had nothing to do with this. I just use his name a lot. Cuz it's just so...Chan.

But about the other stuff, thanks. And sorry your nickname happens to be the same as the "president"'s. I'll go P-10. You can't be 10 because I sign off as "10" on rsn.net. That being Gedman's number. Nont like I ever post there, but, I'm just sayin.
Jere, I lived in Portland, Maine all last summer.. I saw Hanley play
atleast 20 times this year.. he isn't all there yet with the bat.. he is young and that will change.. he will hit.. he is already a near Raffi Furcal caliber shortstop.. he has a friggen cannon fr an arm.. I don't know about fools gold.. he is more like 6-7 years away from solid gold.. I'd say.. provided he gets hitting instruction and he doesn't get hurt..

He would however make a better NL player than an AL player... and it wouldn't hurt the Sox to dish off some infielders because they have quite a lot of infield talent all through the minors.. a pitcher that can pitch 7-8 innings is gold in MLB right now.. there is no relief out there.. Beckett sounds good..

Theo part geinius.. part kid.. he never should have negotiated his own contract..

Yankees Suck, Knicks suck, Jets suck, Rangers suck

*slow applause*

"Same with John Elway. It's the John from Johnny Unitas, combined with a completely made up last name that no one else has ever had before or since."

I mean, um, yeah. Genius.
DtheBlu- Theo asked for permission to use an agent in negotiating his contract and the Red Sox management refused to let him. Same thing happened to Francona. Only players have a guarenteed right to use an agent when negotiating their contracts.
Hey, Jere.
You outPlimptoned Plimpton. Send the Hanley thing to SI. (Don't they have back page guest "my opinion" kind of thing?)
The whacking kids movie was beyond brilliant, the editing superb. I say that even though I'm your
I meant "acronym." (He said 13 years later, on the day Hanley is sent packing from the Sox for the second time.)

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