Friday, May 06, 2005

E-Mail From Mom

"Hi Jere.

I told a friend of mine how you arrived in NYC just in time for a grenade to go off.  She says you now qualify to buy the t-shirt that says:  Welcome to New York Fucking City.

The Yankees are in last place and we can't even say, Now you know how it feels!  Because we're NEVER in last place.



You won once in 86 years. You didn,t cure Cancer. No matter what your still losers.

The final score

Yaknees 26 world championships
Red Sox 7 world hampioships.

In 86 years even a blind dog will find the bone. The Marlins won twice in 6 years and they didn't even have to get Stephen King to sell his soul to the devil to do it. Sorry Mom, but the Red Sox championships are about as common as Haleys Comet and that is probably when they will win the next one. Then again, anybody can claim to be champs in May. Unfortunatly for me, I live in Connecticut surrounded by a bunch of idiots with the price tags still hanging off their Red Flops hats acting like they just found Bin Laden.
I love yankee fans because they just make it so easy! I shouldn't respond but I'll go through the motions:

The second commenter looks a little bit smart, but that's only because they followed the "classic" yankee fan--the type who uses a comma where an apostrophe, capitalizes the disease cancer like it's an astrological sign, writes "your" instead of "you're," claims that the total number of championships (or hampioships) is somehow the "final score," as if baseball has ended, uses lots of caps and exclamation points, and, always, always, always, gets the stats wrong.

But back to the second person....hmm...well, actually only one team can claim to be champions in May. That would be the champions. (The Boston Red Sox.) The Stephen King comment--I'm gonna go ahead and ignore that one. For the Marlins thing--when doing math, remember the following rule: If a team wins in, let's say, 1997 and 2003, to calculate the total number of years in the span, you can't just subtract. You have to consider the first and last year of the span. Count with me. 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003. That's seven years. Just helpin' out, in case you ever want to move up to the cash register. But grill work is okay, too.

To say that one of the few teams in the league who actually has a chance to win the World Series "probably" won't win until Halley's Comet comes around again is to go out on a major limb. Your old reason for thinking that the Sox would never win was simply the fact that they hadn't in a while. (Oh, and something about the supernatural.) I don't see the logic in making the prediction. If I ask you what that logic is, besides your "blind dog" theory, which I might believe if the Sox had consistently finished last for the last 86 years, you might say, "Because they're losers." But, again, they are the defending champs. So I guess I just don't see where you're coming from.

Yeah, Red Sox fans are all front-runners. And yankee fans are all die-hards, right?

Look, I know how difficult this must be for you, having blown a 3-0 lead in the ALCS. To the losers. The second-class citizens. "Bawston." Whoops, there I go again. I actually DON'T know how difficult this is, seeing as no team in the history of baseball had ever done that before.

In summary, it's good to have you back at my blog, yankee fans. You make for some good bloggin'.

You know, the first person is right. I thought we had cured a certain kind of cancer. But you're still here.
You know, Jere, I was going to swoop in and defend your mom (since we are on the eve of Mother's Day weekend), but I couldn't have done it nearly as well. Nice work. Here's to the World Hamps!
I am an advocate of legalizing hamp.

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Location: Rhode Island, United States