Step One: Learn Your Food Groups

Group One--Junk

Junk food is the most important food group. Its great taste and often gooey/sloppy appearance keeps one's happiness level high. Don't eat it for dinner or anything, but always make time for this critical group. If you're really huge, eat it maybe a little less, but still eat it. Remember, your metabolism determines your weight, so for some of you, dieting won't work. Just have fun, knowing that fatter people are usually loved for their wacky demeanor and healthy gut-laugh, and are only made fun of when they act like an asshole or eat Wendy's every meal. Also, sitting around all day can be bad.

Group Two--Other

Other foods are somewhat important for eating during meal time. Eat two or three of these meals a day. Don't get hung up on this stuff, just eat it. If you think any of these foods are as good as or better than sex, you've never had an orgasm. Learn how to have one.

Group Three--Water

Drink water all the friggin' time. It's good for you. It's what keeps you alive. Avoid any other liquid. Except apple juice, which is also pretty good. Oh, and drink a glass of orange juice with NO PULP every morning. This replaces vitamin pills which are mostly placebos. If you drink OJ at night, put ice in it, as for some reason, it tastes weird at night without ice.

Step Two: Run Around

Run around all the time. It keeps you healthy. Avoid gyms, as people there are mostly dicks, and make you feel bad about yourself. If you can only exercise in a gym, listen to Metallica's "Shortest Straw" for a more thorough workout. Avoid all Metallica from after the eighties, as it will make you sluggish and bland.

Step Three: Avoid Medicines

They're all made to make you need more. In the words of Chris Rock: "A cure for AIDS? That'd be like a cadillac that lasts fifty years." Doctors need to make money. They'll never give you the real cure. But, like there are a select few good cops, there are a select few good doctors. Find one you can trust, and listen to them, but always be stubborn and do what you think is right in the end.

Step Four: Women's Health

Look, ladies, consider yourself lucky that larger butts are in vogue and widely accepted. In the words of Sir Mix-A-Lot, "You can do side bends and sit-ups, but please don't lose that butt." Society has totally screwed you over and you're always going to think you're too fat. But you've got to trust us when we say you're not, and nobody cares anyway. If you're a nice person, people will like you.


Follow these steps, and you too can be a Red Sox blogger.