Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Randy, Baby

I just realized that my dad's mother and his daughter are both nurses. (That's my nana and my sister to you and me, kids. Between them, they've been alive for all six Red Sx championships, by the way.)

Moving on, after all this Dirt Dog blasting lately, I thought I'd pull a Sinead O'Connor today and "fight the real enemy." (Michael Kay.)

The other day, he had this idea for a show topic: "Who would you pick right now to start a game if winning or losing that game means that you live or die?"

First, terrible job by ESPN radio for telling the listener what to talk about. It seems like on every show on that station there's some dumb question that everybody's supposed to answer. They try to be all hip to the needs of today's youth, saying that the listener is king or whatever, but, hey, at least the (cheesy-in-other-ways) FAN lets you talk about what you want. Mind you, if you disagree with Francesa, you'll be hung up on. It's weird, I despise both methods of talk radio: The old school dinosaur and the "trying too hard to be hip and get the 18-30 demographic." Like Matt "Guitar" Murphy said about the food served in the various Chicagoland prisons, "They're all pretty bad."

So the Backwards Kay, obviously trying to get a "buzz" going for Randy Johnson, selected the Big Prick as his "life or death pitcher." (And does it a tone that says, "I defy you to question this correct choice.") His co-host/producer guy went with Schilling. Kay started saying, condescendingly, "Well, he could very well be number two, but..."

At one point, a caller suggested Pedro, and Kay did his usual, "But what if the game were against the yankees? He just can't beat the yankees." Which still baffles me-- that people say this. Game 7 of '03, I guess, just doesn't count. This was the game where he outpitched Roger Clemens (who, of course, was brought up in the discussion, without mention of this game, until another caller brought up Mussina, saying how he bailed out Roger) by about 5000 times. And Game 3 of '99 doesn't count, where Pedro, again, outpitched Roger, going seven innngs, giving up zero runs. (After his no-hit relief performance vs. Cleveland.) Then there was the seventeen strikeout game against the yanks. Then there was the other duel with Roger where Pedro gave up nothing and Trot hit the homer to win it. I know this game actually happened, Michael, because I was there. And you were too, up in your sound proof booth so you couldn't hear half of yankee Stadium chanting "Pedro" (in the positive way). So don't tell me he can't beat the yankees. In fact, Pedro is the perfect candidate for the life-or-death choice, as that's just the type of pitcher he is. Somebody who wants the ball in the key game.

So after they came back from a break, the other dude had Randy's post-season stats for Michael: 7-8, 3.08. Kay was like, "Oh, I didn't realize his record was that bad." Then they gave Schill's postseason line: 8-2, 2.0 f'n 6.

Speaking of that stiff, I got an email from yankee insider, because I keep my enemies close and whatnot, and there was this message from Randy Johnson. Now I know these guys aren't paid (primarily) to speak. The audio message I got from Theo for joining Red Sx Nation wasn't exactly eloquent, but Jesus, Randy gave you the feeling like, well, let me play out the scene as I amagine it:

MLB Guy: "Hey, Randy, great to have you here! Here's what you'll be saying, (hands RJ a piece of paper) and can I get you some water or...."

Randy Johnson: "Listen, bitch, get ready to record 'cuz I'm only doin' this once. Understand?"

MLBG: Fine, Randy. Whenever you're ready.

[records message]

RJ: I'm out.

MLBG: Mr. Johnson, that "dot" between "yankees" and "com" is not the end of a sentence, we really need you to do that part agai--

RJ: [from beyond door which he's already slammed] Edit it, motherfucker!

MLBG: What a dick.

I wish I could figure out a way to link to this little speech. I guess I could always tape it, then audio-blog the tape of it. The prick would probably sue me, though. It really cracked me up when he said " any ticketmaster location, or at yankees. [Pause] Dot com, ..." There's so much editing in that twenty second speech, it's ridiculous.

I really think Randy's gonna have problems in New York. You can tell every time you hear him interviewed. He's already bringing up how he knows that the media's gonna be analyzing his every move. He's trying to act like he doesn't mind, but you can just tell by his tone that it's not gonna be long before he just blows his stack at one of these reporters. I don't even know if he'll make it through spring training. Somebody's gonna ask him some stupid question that no Diamondback writer ever thought to ask, and Johnson's gonna lose it. And it's gonna be a downward spiral, with Steinbrenner getting involved, and Torre being embarassed by non-classy yankee acts. And when it happens, like James Caan's "Mr. Henry" character in Bottle Rocket, I'm gonna be front and center, laughin' my fuckin' head off.

Well, don't get me wrong, he's gonna go off at some point, and I'm going to join you in uproarious laughter. But I've gotta admit, I already feel sorry for that reporter he's gonna disembowel ...

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Location: Rhode Island, United States