Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Jere Loses His Mind

This is the first time in my life that I will say that I'm not going to wait until the last minute to pay my taxes. I may still wait until April 14th, but at least for once I don't think I'm going to.

Moving on to the Jere-an Calendar. Everything's the same as it is now, except for the positioning of holidays. Thanksgiving moves up to the Christmas/Channukah spot, late December. Xmas/Chan move up to late February. "The holidays" should be at the end of winter, not right at the beginning. That way it'd be easier to deal with the snow, because at least you'd know that it's all leading up to the holiday season, and more importantly, some days off from work. So instead of these bleak, unspirited bad weather days of January and February, you'd have three festive winter months, leading up to a holiday season that wraps up just as winter does, and then right into spring training.

Memorial Day, renamed New Summer's Day, will be on the first day of summer, in late June. Make the "unofficial start of summer" be the official start of summer, because that's when the warm days start anyway. The Fourth of July, renamed the Fourth of August, will celebrate the true middle of summer. (Independence will be celebrated as a concept only, every day.) Labor Day, renamed Workers of the World Unite Day/New Fall's Day, will be on the last day of summer, in late September. September's always getting the shaft, not being included in summer, when 2/3 of it takes place in summer.

Halloween, in a surprise move, is divided into two days. The original Halloween will now be called "Halloween 2," and keep it's normal slot. "Halloween" will now be held on July 1st. Before noon, people will gather together to count up the seconds to the exact midpoint of the year, culminating in a really high number. Then normal Halloween activities will commence and continue all through that night. In leap years, the count-up will occur at midnight, since the midpoint of the year would be twelve hours later.

Then Thanksgiving gets moved up a month, as I said, kind of just to keep everything spaced out. But note that it's also two months from Xmas/Chan, to space out time between seeing the same relatives.

As for the minor holidays: Groundhog Day will only be a movie, not a day. Patriots Day will be abolished. I'm sick of that 11:05 AM game. Sorry. Baseball games should never start in the morning. Nothing should start in the morning. (See the Jere-an clock.) Flag Day, come on. I'm a little sick of flags at this point. Oh my god, April Fool's Day, I almost forgot. Eh, now that I think about it, it's overrated. Abolished. Valentine's Day: F that. St. Patrick's Day? Don't you people drink enough as it is? All the birthday holidays will stay the same. Only Jimmy Carter's Birthday is now a holiday. And October 27th is Red Sox Day.


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Location: Rhode Island, United States