It's come to my understanding that one of the great works of art of our time, The Bad News Bears, is going to be remade. Sometimes people just go too far. We must do everything in our power to stop the release of this movie. If it comes out, I will blow up the world.

How are they gonna deal with the issue of Tanner's racism? Or Buttermaker's alcoholism? Or Kelly Leak's underage smoking?

People are really going nuts over this Ortiz at first base thing. I'm thinkin' by the time he hits his third HR off of Suppan, it's really not gonna matter much. And it's not like they're choosing some random guy to play first. He has played there quite a bit. Mad Dog thinks the Cards will definitely win two at home, and it's 50/50 they take all three. Terrible job.

My prediction for tonight? That the arch will be hit by a bolt of lightning. I don't know, I heard thunderstorms were in the forecast, and they have that big arch. Nothing against it, I just want the Fox cameras to catch that thing get supercharged by 1.21 gigawatts. It probably gets hit all the time. It is sixty stories high, if I remember correctly from National Lampoon's Vacation.

That's the Mississippi River, kids. The Mighty Mississip'. The Ole Miss. The olllld man. Deep river.....