Thursday, July 01, 2004

Thurm Warfare

Okay, it's about midnight, a few hours since game two ended. I've calmed down just enough to not mention Thurman Munson, in hopes that yankee fans might come across this site. Whoops. I said it. Thurman Munson. I said it again. Okay, so I couldn't resist mentioning the burning catcher. You know, burning with desire, that's how he played. 'Til the very end. Of his life. There I go again, sorry.

I think tonight's debacle would've been a good test for people new to the planet. Like you arrive on earth, you're explained the basics: look both ways before you cross, floss, pee downstream from the village, three strikes and you're out, and then you watch a showing of tonight's baseball game (the YES feed).

You can choose to root for:

A. The team who: Won't move out of the way of a very slow pitch (twice), walks ass-backwards in to runs, never earning any of them, but then cheering as if they did, acting as if THEY somehow made the opponent's glove fall apart on a key ground ball, has fans who cheer so much, not to root on their team, but to make the umpires feel obliged to repeatedly make calls in their favor, has announcers who will constantly show the opposing team in a negative light, even though they are a bunch of fun-loving guys, while they make their own team's players out to be gods, even though they are steroid-taking, shit-talking, soulless motherfuckers bought off by a convicted felon owner, who is also made out to look not only like a saint, but "just a great businessman."

or B. Well, B is us, the Red Sox. I know Terry shouldn't have taken out Wake, and sure we make errors, too many errors, but the point of all this is, how can any decent human being (or alien) root for the New York yankees? Tonight wasn't an anomaly, it was what I've been watching my whole life. My dad coined the term "TYR"--Typical yankee Rally, a long time ago. Walks (usually obtained by trickery, or bad calls), hit batsmen (the kind where you don't move out of the way), errors, bloop hits, home runs that bounce off the top of the wall. It never ends. Tonight was just like a reminder of what the yankees are all about. And to top it all off, I have to hear their announcers bad-mouthing the Red Sox, and just generally acting proud of a team who's done nothing but let the other team beat themselves.

I'm not panicked by any means. I think Pedro is gonna win tomorrow. But that doesn't mean I'm not pissed now.

And where were the mad bombers last night? You've got A-Rod, Jeter, Cheney, Posada, Pataki, Giambi, and Giuliani in one room. You can't let that kind of oppurtunity slip away! You know what, though? If all the yankee players died, and the Red Sox went on to win the World Series, yankee fans would say, "The yankees would've won." Which reminds me, right before the top of the ninth tonight, HELL, NO Network showed a commercial for a show about the '01 World Series. They mentioned how "a mourning town was helped by two magical victories" They forgot to mention that the yankees actually lost the Series.

And finally, what the hell is Michael Kay's problem? Is he really that ignorant about Pedro Martinez, to the point where Pedro does something completely consistent with his non-pitching-day personality, and Kay acts like he's never seen anything like it in his life? I don't know, I think he's just puttin' thoughts into everyone's heads. "Pedro's craaaaazy." And today on his radio show he continued his usual rant about how the Red Sox "griity" image is just made up and makes no sense. He had a caller who said, "Their image is so contrived," and Kay responded, "Great word," just ecstatic that someone called up spewing Kay's own rhetoric right back at him. It's like I witnessed it come full circle. Kay lies and says to New York that the Red Sox "image" is made up, a guy hears it, thinks it's his own idea, (also, he's probably never seen the Red Sox play other than on Yes or Fox), CALLS Kay to tell him, and Kay just sits back, the ultimate megalomaniac masturbating over the airwaves. Talk about contrived.

And of course, there's Kay's take on the Sox' hairstyles: you know what, I don't even need to go into detail here, but the point is, if the yankees looked--physically--like the Sox (if they were allowed), Kay would be lovin' it, saying how it's the key to their chemistry, blah blah blah.

Alright, so when you see a yankee fan tomorrow, don't punch them in the face, as much as I know you want to, just ask 'em who played shortstop before Derek Jeter.

On second thought, just punch 'em in the face.

Tell 'em it's from Thurman.


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Location: Rhode Island, United States