[the fiance described below is long gone. We broke up--never did tie that knot. That was years ago. Just to clarify. --Jere, 2008]

On one of the rare occasions where I was in a bar a year or so ago, I was standing there talking to Pat, and over his shoulder I saw my fiance's ex-boyfriend walking across the bar. I say to Pat, "There goes Lys' ex-boyfriend." Pat turns to look, having been previously unfamiliar with the fact that this person used to date my fiance. Then, in a move that simultaneously dismisses the ex and boosts my ego, Pat inspects the guy for about two seconds, and says "Who, Captain Cheese??"

Now ever since the Red Sox acquired Alan Embree, I've noticed something kind of disturbing. He looks like my fiance's ex-boyfriend. (With a giant hunk of chew in his cheek)

Okay, so to wrap it up, you probably know that Alan Embree throws the baseball about a hundred miles per hour. Which, in baseball lingo, is often referred to as, that's right, throwing "cheese."

So... naturally, I will now be referring to Alan Embree as "Captain Cheese."

I just heard how he wants to be called "Everyday Embree." But come on, which is better, Everday Embree, or Captain CHEESE?"

Alan Embree: Captain Cheese.