Thursday, July 28, 2005

Milk Of Manny-sia

I still think it's weird how the other day I was ready to write this "in defense of Manny" post, thinking that I had plenty of time to work on it, and that I could post it whenever. And then all this Manny stuff happened, and suddenly it's "Better reel off your Manny rant--like everyone else already has--before we all move on to the next dramatic theme."

So, while numerous blogs have already done their ranting (Andrew's is the best, i.e. the one I agree with most, and I'm sure BSM would have pages on this topic, which I'd also agree with. You know, if he were--tear runs down face, just like Native American guy upon litter sighting--still around.), I'll just kind of sum up how I feel about Manny with a little analogy:

Manny is yo' momma.

That's right, David Ortiz is your Papi, and Manny is your Mami.

Your mom--she cooked all your meals, she made your bed, she did your laundry. Not once but hundreds of times. Like, every day. For years. She even wrote your English papers in Mrs. Rhodes' English class. And even though Mrs. Rhodes once said to the whole class, "I detect the fine hand of mom or dad in these papers," you thought, You can't prove anything, Rhodes. And you knew your mom would defend you if she was asked about it.

Oh, and also, your mom carried you in her womb for way longer than any kidney stone has been inside you. She gave you life.

So when your mom cuts your sandwich into rectangles instead of triangles once in a blue moon, or buys crunchy instead of creamy, or Fleer instead of Topps, what are you gonna do, kick her out of the family? Trade her for Carlos Beltran's mom?

If you criticize, do it as a joke. Because she is family, and because you love her. And if you don't love her, well, you don't deserve her. And maybe you're the one that needs to go, not her.

I will be at Fenway on Saturday night, high and dry, cheering Manny along with 30,000 other people who don't sit around in front of computer screens pecking out diatribes about the flaws of heaven. That's right, Manny has helped open the door to baseball heaven for all Red Sox fans. And you're complaining that you have to jiggle the handle? Jesus. (...will fix it, don't worry. After all, he is a fucking carpenter.)

After Judas Priest were admonished of any wrongdoing in their trial in the eighties, Rob Halford said he just wanted to put it all behind him and "get back to rock 'n' roll, and heavy metal." I say we all do the same. Let's all get back to the heavy metal that is baseball. Media, I'm looking in your direction...

Comments:
While I appreciate the plug... I'd say this post right here just took over the top spot on Manny Musings. Both due to the being funny and due to the being the best analogy I've yet heard. About Manny. I've heard better analogies generally, though none spring to mind right now. In any case, good analogy.
 
Are the yankees the luckiest team ever or what? Their pitching staff explodes (because they make a bunch of stupid signings) and they are forced to throw Aaron Small, the petrified remains of Al Leiter and probably Hideo Nomo out there as their 3, 4 and 5 guys. What would happen to every other team in baseball: they'd get killed. What happens to the yankees: they get away with it!! Leiter comes off the street to beat the Red Sox and almost beats the Twins yesterday. Small comes out of nowhere to beat the Twins too. Nomo will probably pitch a complete game or something. DAMN I hate the yankees!

Sorry, I know that had nothing to do with Manny, but I had to get that off my chest.
 
Jere-
Ironically, it's probably our gratitude that Manny is dying to get away from.

Andrew-
isn't it great we have jere to put this in a humorous light, after all my serious babblings about contractual obligations and cultural differences?

mattymatty-
yes, but Leiter still sucked. yanks are holding on by a thread called "hot bats", which are cooling off one by one, and due to crash any day now. Also, twins did not take advantage of all their opportunities. I hope they keep that trend up this weekend.
 
ps. I *sniffle* miss BSM *wimper* too.
 
ahhh ... the frantic musings of a Red Sox loyalist ... I actually missed hearing them for awhile ... I went to PC for four years and all my roomates were Red Sox lovers.

The Sox would be stupid to trade Manny. He is Mami ... and y'all should be very afraid ... the Yanks are only 1.5 games out while 3/5 of their rotation is on the DL? Be very afraid.
 
Awww....
Love,
Mom
 
Yeah, ryno, I'm really afraid of the yanks because the Red Sox ALWAYS choke in the end against the yanks. Oh wait... hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha ahaha hahahahahaha ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha ahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahaha!



Ohhh.


Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahhaha!

Gee, I almost forgot. Like all the yankee fans have.


Anyway, good job fighting the radical right, regardless of baseball. And I drove by that Oakland Ave recently while visiting my friend George.

And mattymatty, I can answer you. I've seen most of their games since 1983 and yes, they are the luckiest team ever. It can account for most if not all their championships that I've witnessed. And that blind-ass luck and ump-paying they call mystique makes it that much more amazing what we did to them last year. But any luck they have this year will go for naught. Aaron Small and (unknown pitchers) can't do that well all season. They're screwed.

And everyone else, thanks for commenting. And thanks Andrew, for your words of kindness.
 
"Jesus. (...will fix it, don't worry. After all, he is a fucking carpenter.)"

Priceless

Actually your "mom" analogy is amusingly appropriate, I think.

-MRhé
 
this analogy is apt. APT!
 

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