Sunday, January 30, 2005

The Zimmer Thing

Don Zimmer put out a book called "The Zen of Zim" after the 2003 season. I think I mentioned this before, how he ripped Steinbrenner, which is cool, but also said a lot of ignorant things about Pedro.

Now there's a new edition of the book, with a new afterword.

In it, Zimmer shows what a complete tool he is. It's maddening. Here's some things he says about the World Champions:

"...it's hard for me to salute the Red Sox, if only because of a lot of the things they said and did on their way to finally winning it all..."

"...showed a lack of professionalism and respect for the game..."

Then he brings up Millar's Jack Daniels fetish, compares it to Zim's old nemesis, the brilliant Bill Lee, sprinkling pot on his pancakes, and says how the anarchistic Sox are not sending a good message to our youth.

"...there are always a few jerks who do and say things to sully [the game]."

Do I even need to bring up steroids here?

Then he really gets crusty-old-man on us:

"And then there was Johnny Damon with his beard and shoulder-length hair."

(oh please god, don't let the hair get me)

Then he says how much he respects Johnny personally and on the field, but:

"...I just feel--and I admit this is "old school" talking now--a ballplayer ought to look like a ballplayer, not a vagrant or something."

And what's with these colored folks drinking from our water fountains? Jesus, at least whoever co-wrote this talked him into that "old school" line. 'Uh, Mr. Zimmer, do you realize what you're saying? Why don't you at least admit that you DO know that only a ninety-year old would say such a thing. Are you familiar with the term 'old school'?' The gerbil goes on:

"When you present a slovenly, unkempt appearance..." (apparently jowls the size of footballs and a body right out of the Weird Al "Fat" video are acceptable) "--and this extends to the way some of the Red Sox were wearing their pants, baggy and below the stirrups to their shoetops--you're not respecting the game."

To the shoetops! Good lord! Respecting the game?? Jason Giambi was injecting steroids into his ass!

Then he says that despite his feud with Big Stein, "he has his rules...and players who come over to the Yankees all fall in line with them."

So that's the message he wants to send? "Fall in line, kids"?

This guy needs to be put to sleep. Seriously. I just made that call, and it's correct.

And oh yeah, while we're talking about appearance, respect, professionalism, and sending the right message to kids, well, just remember this tip from Mr. Zimmer, Little Leaguers: When you grow up, and you're a coach, and you get mad at an opposing player, it's perfectly okay to run out onto the field and take a wild swing at him. Just charge like a bull, intend to injure. As long as your hair's nicely cropped, it's okay. And always pitch Mike Torrez in a crucial game.

When is this guy gonna kick it, so I can tape a picture of Pedro throwing him down by the ears to his headstone?

Comments:
Giambi isn't the only cheater on that spit-polished, game-respecting, clean-cut Yankees squad. Don't forget Shef and ARod. Yeah I know they weren't there when Invader Zim was there, but they now fit the image: they joined the team, they fell in line, and presumably they are therefore more acceptable than (all-natural) Johnny Damon and his long hair.

Zim is an idiot.

Meanwhile, I been thinkin. Ballplayers are known for being a fun-loving bunch, but some teams stand out more than others. I think our teams this year and last are a reincarnation of the famous (and beloved) Gashouse Gang from the '30's.

The Idiots ... the Gashouse Gang. The nicknames from the '30's were better, but the idea is the same. Zany bunch. Practical jokers. Sloppy looking crew. They'll fight amongst themselves at times, but they'll also back each other to the hilt against any attacks from the outside. And also a talented group of ballplayers too.

I mean, this is a generalized notion. There's probably a team or two like this every decade, and I'm sure the comparison would break down if you looked too closely at the specifics. But it's something I wanted to throw out there ...
 

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